Brian O'Rourke

Brendan Gleeson For Your Consideration

2012-01-13T14:28:00.003-05:00

It seems like the favorite to take home the Academy Award for Best Actor this year is Gary Oldman for his turn in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. I'm a big fan of Oldman's work in general, and his take on George Smiley, the soft-in-the-middle, morose, cerebral, anti-James Bond spy is great. He was fantastic in State of Grace as a low-level, scene-stealing thug, he's been great as Gordon in Nolan's Batman series, and he was just plain wicked in Leon. Oldman's long overdue for an Oscar nomination, let alone an Oscar, and in any other year I'd say, "Yeah, let the chap have it."

But there's just one problem: Brendan Gleeson turned in the performance of his career in The Guard, written and directed by John Michael McDonagh.

(MINOR SPOILERS ALERT)

Gleeson's cop is sardonic, funny, curmudgeonly, brazen, and a bit racist. He returns lost weapons to the IRA rather than impound them. He hires call girls to entertain him on his day off. He wants everyone to think he's just another roob from the country, but this just might be a clever Columbo-like ruse to mask his intelligence. He uses drugs. He manages to stop a shipment of $500,000,000 (street value) worth of cocaine. And, to top it all off, he just might have been an Olympic swimmer.

I don't think The Guard will receive any nominations this year, and that's a shame. Not too many people saw it, and nobody's talking about it right now during the crucial time around awards season. It's a fast, fun movie with intelligent humor and smart dialogue, and the characters are all interesting. Don Cheadle's FBI agent is a little underwritten, but that's okay because it's really Gleeson's show here.

***

John Michael McDonagh is the brother of Martin McDonagh, who wrote and directed another awesome crime film, In Bruges. The Brothers McDonagh have a great ear for dialogue and create cliche-challenging characters, but they don't rely on these devices as crutches when telling a story. They both care just as much about plot, resulting in lean, but layered, stories.

World's Greatest Golfer Dies

2011-12-19T20:54:00.004-05:00

Rest in peace, Kim Jong-il. I'm pretty certain your incredible record eleven holes in one during one round of golf will never be surpassed. Not even Tiger Woods has set out to surpass you, opting instead to set his sights much lower, like breaking Jack Nicklaus's total major victory record.

My 5 Favorite Christmas Movies of All Time

2011-12-12T20:41:00.004-05:00

You asked for it (no, you didn't), so here it is. Brian O'Rourke's five favorite Christmas movies of all time:

5) Lethal Weapon. Richard Donner, Shane Black, Danny Glover, and Mel Gibson make buddy-cop movie history in this tightly-plotted actioner that combines all the cliches in the book and rises above the trappings of the genre. And, uh, it's set around Christmas.

4) Trading Places. Old school Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd, er, trade places in this comedy set in Philly during the holiday season. Murphy's a homeless grifter/self-proclaimed "karate man," while Aykroyd's a yuppie stock guru who's next in line to run the big firm and marry the buttoned-up, but not exactly prudish, blue-blood. Aykroyd's bosses orchestrate a switch for both men, elevating Murphy out of the slum and tossing Aykroyd into the gutter, and hilarity ensues.

3)Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. It's no coincidence that Shane Black shows up on this list more than once, given his penchant for setting action flicks around Christmas. This one's part deconstruction, part glorious homage, to action movies and private eye stories of old. Eat your heart out Raymond Chandler. My favorite line from the film is delivered by Val Kilmer, who plays a gay PI named, uh, Gay Perry: "Merry Christmas. Sorry I f--ked you."

2) Ernest Saves Christmas. The inexplicable juggernaut that was Jim Varney reached its cinematic peak with this film. Okay, that's not saying much, but still I fell in love with this movie growing up and tuned in faithfully each week to Ernest's Saturday morning show. Sometimes nostalgia trumps quality, and this is one of them times.

1) Die Hard. A total anomaly: an action movie set during Christmas not penned by Shane Black. And a total triumph. The 80s were all about heavily-muscled supermen, like Arnie and Sly, who were able to mow down hundreds of faceless enemy soldiers (not that there's anything wrong with that) and take a few bullets while hardly breaking a sweat, till Bruce Willis showed up on the scene. Officer John McClane is very real, very in over his head, and very much a resourceful, everyman wise-ass who just might save the day. Directed by John McTiernan, this flick went on to become the quintessential action movie, much imitated and never matched. Alan Rickman nearly steals the show as one of the greatest villains of all time. And always remember, it's Gary Cooper that rides off into the sunset with Grace Kelly.

Honorable Mention: Scrooged, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation,

Brian O'Rourke as Harold Bloom on The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland

2011-10-28T16:43:00.000-04:00

My feelings about the Sesame Street film, The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland, are a matter of public record but after some further discussion with my wife and another three hundred or so viewings with my daughter, I don't think I gave this film the analysis it truly deserves.

If Follow That Bird is the Old Testament of the Sesame Street movies, then the Elmo movie certainly represents the New Testament. Oscar the Grouch is clearly the god-like figure in both texts, as he's his grumpy, fickle self in FTB while revealing a kindler, some would say out of left field, gentler side in TAOEIG. Don't believe me?

Big Bird suffers like Job, losing his home, his family and finally his freedom after being forced into servitude by a couple small-time crooked carvinal goons, and yet Oscar can barely be bothered to lift a furry, matted finger to help our feathered friend, who has shown him nothing but kindness and love despite Oscar's constant rebuffing. Compare that crusty attitude to The Grouch's subsequent behavior when he decides to stir the citizens of Grouchland into action so he can help his friend Elmo ... wait for it ... wait for it ... reclaim his stolen blanket. Big Bird can lose everything and be pressed into avian slavery, but Elmo can't lose his precious wubbie.

Something just doesn't add up here. They say that all writing is a product of its time, and perhaps that's true, but something greater has to be at work.

Or as Harold Bloom might say, the screenwriters of the Sesame Street films could not escape the anxiety of influence ....

You're probably thinking Brian has finally lost it. And I have if I'm speaking in the third person. But all you planning to become parents should take heed. You will watch the same shows and movies so many times that you'll start to see deeper messages buried within the most trivial things. I watch the Wiggles everyday and I'm almost convinced they're part of some Masonic conspiracy.

SPARTACUS FUISTI

2011-09-14T18:45:00.003-04:00

Andy Whitfield, you will be missed.

Awful news about Andy passing away. At 39 years of age, just when he gets his big break, this happens.

REQUIESCAT IN PACE

Do The Amish Play Golf?

2011-09-09T17:14:00.004-04:00

For all my life, this question has plagued me. But after spending a few days in Lancaster County with the family, I now know that yes, they do. They don't use clubs; they use "bats."

Not only do they play golf, but apparently they have no qualms with using a golf cart either. I was told this is permissible because technically they do not own the cart; renting or borrowing or leasing such a contraption is perfectly acceptable under the rules.

Bear in mind I've done zero research on this. I'm just repeating what I was told by a fellow non-Amish guy who's lived in Lancaster County for several years after we spotted an Amish foursome on the course.

Baby, We Were Born to Run

2011-07-25T19:14:00.005-04:00

Just finished Christopher McDougall's wonderful book, Born to Run. Part travelogue, part lesson in human evolution, part runner's spiritual guide, and part inspirational tale, it's a fast-paced read filled with some of the most interesting characters ever committed to page.

McDougall's personal quest to become a better runner serves as the everyman's intro into the fascinating--and insane--world of ultrarunning. The narrative is a journey that takes us from Leadville, Colorado, back in time to the dangerous savannas of pre-historic Africa, and to Copper Canyon in Northern Mexico, where the reclusive Tarahumara (Raramuri) people live, entirely cut off from the modern world.

The athletes that populate McDougall's tale are runners in the most extreme sense. Several of the characters competed in the Leadville 100 (that's 100 miles), and the book is capped off with what McDougall refers to in the subtitle as the Greatest Race the World Has Never Seen, a mere 50-miler through the sweltering heat, up and down the tricky passes of Chihuahua, Mexico.

My favorite thread of the book deals with man's evolution into a long-distance runner and persistence hunting. I first encountered this theory way back in college and wasn't quite sold. But McDougall, and the scientists he introduces us to, make a strong case for it in this book. The idea is this: before man was intelligent enough to create throwing weapons, he chased his quadruped prey over long distances, till said prey was too crapped out to run any farther. Without going into the specifics of why this might have been so, I will say it's an intriguing theory--that man evolved not to run fast, but to run far. It sounds crazy till you hear about those long-distance races pitting human beings against horses, with man typically emerging the victor.

Another interesting thread in the book is the barefoot running trend. I won't bore you with the specifics, but I got the itch to give it a try. The immediate change in my mechanics while running barefoot was scary, and scarily instinctual. Almost like I was meant to run that way...

Inspiration drips off every page of the book as the characters push themselves beyond all reasonable limits. If, by the end, you don't feel like going for a run, then you just ain't human.

Something in the Water in Northern Ireland?

2011-07-17T14:31:00.004-04:00

How is it with a population of 1.68 mill (according to wiki) does a country the size of Connecticut produce three different major champions in golf in the span of thirteen months?

First Graeme McDowell took the US Open last year, then his buddy Rory McIlroy won it last month, and now their forerunner of Northern Irish golf, Darren Clarke, got to hoist the Claret Jug today after winning the Open Championship at age 42.

I've always been a fan of Darren Clarke, and his win today comes as something of a surprise. It was widely thought his best years were behind him, but somehow he managed to put four great rounds of golf together at just the right time for his first major championship. Clarke's a good guy who lost his wife to breast cancer a few years ago. Since then, his form's been understandably off but he never gave up the dream of winning the Open Championship. And obviously that romantic stubbornness has finally paid off.

So what is it about Northern Ireland and its golfers?

I'd like to say it has to do with perseverance. The Northern Irish have had to endure a lot in the past century and it has undoubtedly hardened them. You need to be able to weather the storm of bad luck and bad bounces inherent in the game, especially so in the two Open championships, in order to claim victory. The Northern Irish, to me at least, seem to have a wonderful appreciation for irony and an ability to laugh off the bad breaks. They're also gutsy. It's these qualities that go a long way in the game of golf.

The Hangover Meets Hitchcock

2011-07-11T19:30:00.006-04:00

I checked out the new flick Horrible Bosses this weekend. It boasts a solid cast, including Kevin Spacey, Jason Bateman, Jennifer Aniston, and Colin Farrell, who nearly steals the movie with criminally-limited screen time. But I didn't go to see it for those actors, I went to see it for Charlie Day, who's part of the awesome yet still relatively unknown ensemble cast of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. (For all you It's Always Sunny fans out there, Charlie's great in this movie.)

Boiling down the premise to its essentials, Horrible Bosses is The Hangover meets Strangers on a Train. In fact, you can almost see the screenwriter pitching the idea to the studio in just those terms: R-rated raunchy comedy about three guys planning to murder the bosses who've made their 9 to 5 lives a living hell. And the film even has one of those meta-moments, where the characters pause for breath long enough to realize their plan is lifted straight out of a Hitchcock story.

The three career-frustrated characters are little more than archetypes, and the comedy leans heavily on vulgarity and pop culture references. Hearing that you might think it's a bad movie, but it's not. In fact, I enjoyed the hell out of this movie. Seth Gordon, the director who brought us the brilliant documentary The King of Kong, pulls off the difficult task of making murder funny. The plot zooms along--and it has to or else the sheer absurdity of the story would come crashing down on the audience--and the three leads make the material work. (I'm no Saturday Night Live guy, so I'm new to Jason Sudeikis but thought he was great in this.) There was also a lot of overlapping jokes and asides from the three leads, giving the story a lot of comedic energy, so I'll bet this one's got some replay value, which will bode well for its theatrical run and DVD sales. It's dark, but not too too dark. Some critics have complained about that, but for me, I prefer dark humor when it's in a drama as opposed to a comedy. I want my comedies light, fast, and fun.

What's Next for NASA?

2011-07-08T15:04:00.005-04:00

Earlier today, Atlantis lifted off in what is NASA's final shuttle flight of its thirty year program. The general scientific consensus seems to be a begrudging admission that the shuttle program achieved mixed results overall. I'm no scientist, so I can't chime in one way or the other intelligibly, but the idea of humans journeying into space was always cool and admirable to me, regardless of the mission.

I wonder where NASA goes from here? It seems like the wise money will be spent on unmanned probes and satellites and on things like the James Webb Space Telescope (JWST), which looks like it's going to replace The Hubble.

I'd like to see the government spend more on research into interstellar space flight. I know that we theoretically can't travel faster than light, but it'd be good to be able to reach some of these potentially habitable exoplanets in a reasonable, and practical, amount of time. Call it manifest destiny if you want, but I think it's imperative the human race colonize other, already habitable worlds. Because the odds are long we'll be able to effectively terraform any of the other bodies in our solar system, and as a species we don't want to keep all our eggs in one basket. If you've read The Road, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Local Author Interview and Short Story

2011-06-07T15:42:00.001-04:00

My buddy Nate Green has got an author interview up here at Apiary Magazine. Check out the great interview, where yours truly gets mentioned, and also take note: Nate's short story, "The Slut Buck" will appear in Apiary online soon.

Promote Whatever You Want

2011-06-01T20:02:00.004-04:00

It's been awhile since I last did this, but it's never too late to bring a good thing back is it?

(Put your proverbial hands down. That was a rhetorical question.)

The one rule is that there are no rules. Promote whatever you want by leaving a comment below. In the past, we've gotten mostly authors pimping their books but the random promoters, like the clothing line person and the potentially copyright infringing podcaster, are always welcome too.

Oh wait, there is one rule I forgot about: you can't promote anything for me. Don't worry, I still get plenty out of this just from the traffic alone. Thanks in advance.

And there are no prizes for guessing the identity of the man in this picture. If you want prizes, you must go to my friend Nate Green's blog.

Local Author Appearing in Doylestown Bookshop This Saturday

2011-05-17T17:00:00.002-04:00

Fellow local author Jim Kristofic will be at the Doylestown Bookshop on Saturday to do a reading and signing for his memoir, Navajos Wear Nikes. I've recently had the opportunity to meet Jim in a YA workshop and look forward to reading his book myself. Here's the info:

LIFE ON AN INDIAN RESERVATION… WHAT'S THAT LIKE?
An Evening of Storytelling and Booksigning with Navajos Wear Nikes author Jim Kristofic
WHERE: Doylestown Bookshop
WHEN: May 21st, 6-8 p.m.

Navajos Wear Nikes: A Reservation Life

When Jim Kristofic's family moved across the country to Ganado, Arizona, his life changed forever. Ganado was a "Rez-town" on a reservation the size of West Virginia. More Indians lived on the Rez than anywhere else on earth. White people called them Navajo. They called themselves Diné—The People. For Jim's mother, living among the Navajo was a childhood dream come true. For Jim—who'd just barely learned to tie his own shoelaces—it was the end of the world and the beginning of something new and unforgettable.

In this memoir Jim Kristofic introduces readers to the complex world of the modern Navajo Nation, where Anglo and Navajo coexist in a tenuous truce. It is a place of spirits, where witches haunt the valley at night and the supernatural is part of everyday life. But his friendships with local boys lead Jim to understand the wit of the Navajo language, how to make fry bread, how to find hózhó, a beautiful harmony. He shares tales of rescued "Rez-dogs," a captive hawk, a gang-style murder, an Indian Boy Scout troop, a fanatical Sunday school teacher, a sheep butchering in the middle of the school day, and his friendship with the Navajo bull rider and artist who becomes his stepfather. After the births of his Navajo sister and brother, Jim's family moves off the Rez to an Arizona border town, where he and his family struggle to adapt to the Anglo society that no longer feels like the home he left behind.

With compelling honesty, Navajos Wear Nikes tracks a modern life on the Navajo Reservation, from childhood to manhood. Kristofic recounts the painful, fascinating history of Ganado, Arizona and tells the story of a boy trying to understand the truth of a people and the truth about himself.

Jim Kristofic has worked on and off the "Rez" for more than ten years as a river guide, journalist, and oral historian. He has written for The Navajo Times, Arizona Highways, and High Country News. He and his wife currently live in eastern Pennsylvania with—of course—a rescued dog.

CURRENT PRAISE FOR NAVAJOS WEAR NIKES

"Jim Kristofic combines the spirit of Joseph Campbell and J.D. Salinger to give readers an intimate look at the complexity of life in Navajo country. I rarely have tears when I read the last chapter of a book… with this book I did."
Martha Blue, former Indian country attorney and award-winning author of Indian Trader: The Life and Times of J.L. Hubbell

"This is a story told on many levels. It can be brutally frank, irreverent in places, and funny in others. But it is so serious that it will hold the reader's attention from beginning to end. It brings to Native life a strongly personal and emotional aspect seldom seen, and it will persist in memory long after a first reading."
David Brugge, historian, anthropologist, author of The Navajo-Hopi Land Dispute: An American Tragedy

"Few regionally tied autobiographies have shown as much wit and keen observation as Navajos Wear Nikes by Jim Kristofic." -- Arizona Daily Sun

"Many years ago, a coworker and I thought about preparing a `primer' for non-Navajo newcomers needing to learn the rights and wrongs about living on the Navajo Nation. This book could be used as such a primer."
Ed Chamberlin, National Park Service curator of Hubbell Trading Post National Historic Site

"The story of how a minority overcame prejudice and made lifelong friends in the process will resonate with many teens." – Booklist

You Tough Mudder

2011-04-29T20:48:00.004-04:00

I've endured two marathons, the bar exam, Greek family reunions, Bergman films, Kurt Vonnegut, and the disappearance of Vanilla Coke. (Seriously, why'd they get rid of that again?) But nothing, not even the loss of my beloved soft drink, could prepare me for the masochistic insanity that was the Tough Mudder.

I ran the course in New Jersey back in November, 2010 with my buddy Joe, and in case you're wondering why I'm just getting around to blogging about it now, it's because I've finally gotten over my post-traumatic stress disorder. My therapist has urged me over the past several months to post about the race as a way to purge the soul of the horrifying memories of this particular race. No amount of writing could do that, but I figured I might as well share my exploits because they might be good for a chuckle.

The Tough Mudder is a lengthy obstacle course designed by British Special Forces. Our course stretched 12 miles, and by my estimate, 6 or 7 of those miles were through ankle-deep mud. So challenging are the individual obstacles and the course overall that, before you run it, they require you to sign a Death Waiver.

(Mom, sorry for not telling you about the Death Waiver in advance. I figured you'd just worry.)

Every possible fear you might have is exposed and exploited by the 20 or so obstacles waiting for you. Obstacle number 3 on our course was called Walk the Plank, which required a 20 foot plunge into the muddy, freezing waters of late November in New Jersey. It was a balmy 35 degrees when we ran the course, so that should give you some idea of how frakking cold the water was. The shock of it makes it difficult to breathe, so you're doubly spooked about drowning.

One of my favorite obstacles was the Firewalker, where - you guessed it - you get to run through fire. The presence of the Fire Department at the obstacle was reassuring at least. Aside from Walk the Plank, my two least favorite obstacles were the Mystery Obstacle (more on that below) and the Cliffhanger. The Cliffhanger wasn't particularly difficult, as it only involved scaling a slick, dangerously muddy slope, but I ended up losing my footing, flipping in the air, and landing on the side of my head. Not my most graceful moment and not that big a deal really, right?

Unless you've got another EIGHT EFFING MILES TO GO.

As for the Mystery Obstacle. You can tell by its name we didn't know what it was going in to the race. At the starting line, the man on the squawk box directed our attention to an open wooden structure about half a mile away. From that distance, we couldn't really see it. It looked like people were running under it and through tangles of hanging yellow string.

Except it wasn't string. More like wires. Live wires. As in, there was electrical current coursing through them. Around mile 11, after everything else we'd endured, they made us run through LIVE wires. The website has some of the more nasty video of this, and plenty of candids have been posted on Facebook to memorialize the torture.

There was no way to avoid the wires really. I figured the current wouldn't be too bad so I just charged through. I mean, how bad could it really be? I knew we'd signed a Death Waiver and everything, but financially or legally it wouldn't make sense for them to kill any of their runners. They'd get no repeat customers, right?

I don't know how much juice was in those things, but the first jolt made the heart flutter and all my muscles tighten up like Zeus had hurled a thunderbolt from Olympus at me.

And that was only the first jolt.

The second jolt nearly floored me, which wouldn't have been good, because then I would have fallen into the tangle of wires, repeatedly shocked till some brave soul dragged my sorry ass outta there. Later, I heard that happened to a few people, but I was fortunate enough to escape relatively unscathed.

On the whole, I think me and my buddy acquitted ourselves well. We made it around the course in 2.5 hours with minimal complaint, even when there was a legally actionable shortage of water at the rest stations. (Not cool, guys.) After being electrocuted, I said to Joe, "I'll bet we look like the effing hobbits when they were scaling Mount Doom right now." Not my best material but pretty good considering the circumstances.

Joe laughed politely at my joke, paused, and then cackled at something else. I asked him what was so funny, and he turned to me and said in a thin voice, "Why did we do this? Why would we ever do this?"

Why indeed, Joe? Why indeed?

So I'm thinking about signing up for the next one...

Ghostwriter Publications

2011-04-25T19:48:00.002-04:00

For anyone interested in the often seedy underbelly of publishing, check out this terrible story here. I had very similar experiences with the publisher in question.

Ego Spartacus Sum!

2011-03-27T17:15:00.003-04:00

Starz's relatively new series, Spartacus, is quickly becoming one of my favorite shows. I wasn't sold on the pilot, but once our quasi-eponymous hero (Spartacus isn't his real name) lands in the Ludus of Batiatus, the story really takes off. After having been dealt a crippling blow by the gods, Spartacus finds himself face-to-face with the most lethal, savage, and adept gladiators in Capua, as he struggles to find his place and ultimately assume the title of champion. From there, the show is a combination of brutal, gory, and very stylized fights in the arena mixed in with back-stabbing political and social intrigues.

I'm mostly through the first season, so I haven't watched the prequel season yet, but this show is more addictive than crack. As they say. (I don't plan on finding out how addictive crack is any time in the near future.) Grizzly action sequences are set against the backdrop of a decadent Roman world, where sex is nothing to be ashamed of and grandiose political ambitions are harbored by all.

The dialogue takes some getting used to, as the characters are prone to orate and offer philosophical discourse, but it is rewarding once you get used to it. For you Latin buffs out there, I did read that the writers try to mimic Roman speech patterns as much as English will allow. The writers even try to avoid using the word "Yes" as much as possible because that word did not exist in Classical Latin.

(It's true, look it up.)

I really enjoy the lead actors: John Hannah is positively devious as the owner of the Ludus, Batiatus; Manu Bennett, who is testosterone incarnate; Peter Mensah, who has a presence to rival any actor's, living or dead; Lucy You-Know-Her-as-Xena Lawless; and Andy Whitfield. It's a damned shame what happened to Whitfield: during the first season, he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma and ultimately gave his blessing to the producers to keep the series going with someone else. He made for an excellent Spartacus, and I hope he recovers quickly and somehow finds his way back on to the show.

The series has inspired many, myself included, to adopt the Spartacus workout as their training regimen. And if you haven't heard, there's now a second routine available as well. It's also rekindled my interest in attempting the ridiculous 300 workout as well. These three workouts will kick your ass and they're perfect for someone with limited free time to exercise: you only need to do them 3 to 4 times per week, and the routines are only 20 to 30 minutes. It might sound too good to be true, but they really are effective and provide the most bang for your buck, because they're can do it all: add lean muscle, improve both your aerobic and anaerobic capacities, and shred fat. You're not going to get big doing these workouts, but you are going to get ripped, lean, and more athletic overall.

And if you haven't seen the original movie with Kirk Douglas, get out there and rent it. It's a classic, despite what Kubrick thought of it, and it's aged pretty well.

My only gripe with the show is this: why haven't they hired me as a writer yet? My Latin's pretty good, I also took two years of ancient Greek in high school, and I'm fit enough to do the Spartacus workout. And most importantly, I'd work for peanuts to write for a kick-ass show like this.

A Blockbuster Summer

2011-03-15T19:07:00.003-04:00

There's a debate amongst geeks online about whether 2011 or 2012 is going to offer the best blockbuster summer ever. In this geek's opinion, 2012 edges out 2011. But that's next year. Let's talk about some of the major tentpole events lined up for this summer:

Sucker Punch - Zack Synder gives us another visual feast in the style of 300. This one is right up a geek's alley: guns, gals, and explosions.

Scream 4 - Wes Craven is bringing this series back from the dead. Ha ha.

Fast Five - I could point to the impossibility of reconciling the idea that god is all-powerful and good with the idea that evil exists in this world to posit that the Judeo-Christian god as he is understood cannot exist. That argument has fallen on many deaf ears over the years, so I'll offer this instead: they've now made FIVE Fast and Furious movies.

Thor - An adaption of the comic book that pulls our mythological hero out of Valhalla and sucks him into the real world. Sounds kind of cheesy until you look at who's directing: Kenneth Branagh. I like that the studios are starting to make some creative decisions with their hiring of directors for blockbusters. (Along similar lines, Shane Black has been hired to direct Iron Man 3.)

Pirates 4 - Johnny Depp plays Johnny Depp in a pirate costume.

The Hangover 2 - Probably a bad idea, but the first flick is so hysterical I'll see it regardless. Mel Gibson was slated to have a cameo until one of the cast members raised his objections. Which is kind of strange, because if Iron Mike Tyson should get a second chance, why not Mad Max?

Kung Fu Panda 2 - Jack Black is back as Po....alright, I'll own up: the first one was pretty good.

The Tree of Life - Just kidding. The word blockbuster and Terence Malick should never appear in the same sentence. Except, er, that sentence.

X-Men: First Class - James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender as Professor X and Magneto, respectively? Sign me the hell up.

The Green Lantern - Just when you thought there were no more superheroes left to pilfer from comic books. Martin Campbell is directing, the same man who gave us Casino Royale and Goldeneye, so this could be good.

Cars 2 - Yeah, this'll make a crap ton of money.

Transformers 3 - Okay, still not convinced that an all-powerful, benevolent God is incompatible with the fact that evil exists in this world? Michael Bay brings us Transformers 3.

Harry Potter - How long until Warner Brothers decides to reboot this series and make billions more dollars? I give it three years, tops.

Captain America - Along with Thor and Iron Man, another origin story that's also setting us up for 2012's The Avengers.

Cowboys & Aliens - A ridiculous premise that is intriguing beyond all reason. Daniel Craig as a mysterious gunslinger, Harrison Ford as a crotchety sheriff, and menacing aliens.

The Smurfs - One word: Gargamel.

Conan the Barbarian - Jason Momoa has some pretty big shoes to fill here. It's slated for an August release, which doesn't inspire a lot of confidence.

Spy Kids 4 - Like Cars 2, this'll make some serious coin.

***

And the one I'm most looking forward to? Super 8. For a lesson in how to make an awesome trailer and perfectly capture a mood, watch this. Directed by JJ Abrams, this one's supposed to be a throwback to early Spielberg, who is involved himself. If this is anywhere near as good as Close Encounters of the Third Kind, it'll be awesome.

My Reviews of the Best Pic Nominees

2011-03-03T20:15:00.003-05:00

I was going to post this before Oscar night. I swear. Really. Anyway, here are my reviews of the 2010 Best Pic Noms I saw.

SPOILERS THERE BE

INCEPTION - I'm an admitted, unabashed, fawning Nolan fanboy, so take my review with a 50 pound bag of rock salt, the kind that could eat a whole through your kitchen floor, poison your dog, and actually destroy Carthage. So with that out of the way, here goes: Inception is the most original film I've seen in years. It's by no means a perfect film, or even Nolan's best film. But enough disclaiming. This movie is a lot of fun. Always entertaining, never dull, and different. Remember the last time the Hollywood machine produced something ORIGINAL? Yeah, I can't either. Inception should have failed at the box office: it's a sci-fi movie, you've got to pay attention or you'll be lost, and it's not based on a comic book, video game, graphic novel, or previous movie. And no, don't tell me it's just like The Matrix, or Solaris, or whatever. Inception is without the pseudo-intellectual philosophy of The Matrix series, and Solaris...my god don't even get me started on that one. If a doctor performed a physical on Solaris, he'd have to declare that film clinically dead because it has no pulse. The same cannot be said for Inception - just the opposite. My main problem with the film is that it cheats a teeny, tiny little bit halfway through by changing its own internal rules, but I'll forgive this misstep because the game-changer ups the ante and imperils the characters in a very real way. And, the rotating hallway fight scene is so good the Academy should have created a category called Best Rotating Hallway Fight Scene because that sequence alone was Oscar worthy.

TRUE GRIT - It's as if Charles Portis, reclusive author extraordinaire, had a crystal ball and gazed some forty years into his future before writing True Grit and his vision fell on the Coen brothers and he decided he could write a book that they would one day read and realize was the answer to all their box office prayers. Like Peter Jackson was put on this earth to direct the Lord of the Rings movies, so too were the Coens put on this earth to direct True Grit. It's a western, it's a religious parable, it's a glorious piece of decidedly American fiction. Call it whatever the hell you want, just don't try and Hooraw it. (If you haven't read the book, you should. Portis is one of the best under-read American authors.) It's a very simple story about justice, revenge, character, and life not so long ago in America. Every year people say the western is dead. This film proves otherwise.

THE SOCIAL NETWORK - David Fincher brings his immense and considerable talents to a film about...Facebook. At first blush, you have to wonder why the man who directed Seven and Zodiac would be interested in the subject matter, but it turned out alright. Aaron Sorkin penned a great screenplay full of snappy dialogue and populated it with unsympathetic, but fascinating characters. Emotionally, the film is a little hollow but that's probably the intention: these characters, with a few exceptions, geniuses they may be, all seem pretty hollow. I thought it was a good movie but not quite Best Picture material.

THE FIGHTER - Story-telling at its best and most basic: raw performances, no sentiment, no bullshit. You know how this one's going to end going in, even if you're unfamiliar with boxer Mickey Ward's story. But that doesn't stop you from cheering Mickey on as he slugs his way to the top. Bale is a force of nature, Wahlberg is understated but effective, and Melissa Leo is the mom you love to hate. You feel every punch, you cringe during every family argument, you feel bruised and battered, but ultimately, triumphant by the end. If Rocky and Raging Bull produced a child, this would be it.

BLACK SWAN - In keeping with the movie's duality, here are my two takes:

White Swan: Lurid, melodramatic, heavy-handed, ham-fisted, non-sensical, pornographic, nauseating, pretentious tripe. Why did they bother spending millions of dollars on a story the show runners of General Hospital would have rejected? When the film's not playing to your baser instincts, it's cheating you. Over and over and over. It keeps on cheating till the climax where it REALLY cheats you. Yes, it's possible for (SPOILER ALERT) Portman to stab herself and yet continue giving the greatest ballet performance anyone has ever seen. (END SPOILER ALERT) This is all things ugly rolled into one film as some sort of twisted attempt by Aronofsky to shock you into submission. I wanted to tap out, UFC style, at about the hour mark. The performances are loud, the music is loud, the story is loud, everything is loud, loud, loud. It's about as subtle as a tsunami. Don't let the critics fool you - this is nothing more than a soft-core horror movie with outstanding production values, tantamount to something you'd find on Cinemax (a.k.a. Skinemax) around 2:30 in the morning. Or so I'm told.

Black Swan: Unrelenting, unremitting, tour-de-force, roller-coaster of a ride that knocks you on your ass and keeps kicking you while you're down. This movie is supposed to be a ballet: it doesn't have to make literal sense because it's going to bypass that snooty, rational part of your brain and tap right in to that collective unconscious and make you feel something. Remember the last time you just FELT a movie? You'll be uncomfortable, grossed-out, frustrated, and, if you let it, the film will devastate you the way it should. Why does everyone pine for gritty realism in movies and art? If you want realism, go watch an effing documentary (but not a Michael Moore one, we're talking realism here). Art is supposed to shock. It's supposed to be challenging. If you want something transformative, sublime, and visceral, watch this movie. And yes, it IS a horror movie. Of course it is, you prude, White Swan. It's a damned good - maybe even a great - horror movie, and how often do those come along?

THE KING'S SPEECH - I find the UK's fascination with and rationalizations of the continued financial support of the royal family baffling. I find America's fascination with the royal family even more puzzling. I have trouble sympathizing with a bunch of wealthy, pampered people who are treated like celebrities because of their birthright. Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying they're bad people, in fact, some of them have done some great things. I'm just saying I don't get it. Non-royal philanthropists aren't treated the same way, which means that yes, birthright has something to do with it. And yes, The King's Speech is stereotypical Oscar bait: literate British period piece about the royal family combined with a story of one man's perseverance in overcoming a handicap. And yet...it's simply brilliant. Firth and Rush are excellent, Firth especially, the camerawork is interesting, the dialogue is smart but never cute, and the underdog story IS compelling. You'll be on the edge of your seat during the climax of the movie, which is nothing more than a man giving a speech. Yes, the story-telling's that good. The English are often accused unfairly of being shut-off and bottled up emotionally, but that trope is used here to great effect, resulting in a very poignant moment of personal triumph.

Where did all the money go? Not to the screenwriter, I hope

2011-01-15T19:29:00.005-05:00

As a relatively new parent, I've been subjected to all kinds of new experiences (horrors) and have picked up quite a few interesting habits along the way: co-workers have caught me singing "C Is For Cookie" in the kitchen, I get cranky around 9 AM and again at 1 PM (the same times Fee takes a nap), and my ever-suffering wife constantly walks in on me...you know, when I'm practicing my Elmo voice.

But enough about me. All you Dads know exactly what I'm talking about, and all you non-Dads are preparing to go Oedipus and stab your own eyeballs out due to the overwhelming sentimentality of that opening. What I really want to talk about is film. One film in particular. It goes by the name of The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland.

Let me start by saying that the film sucks.

Before you all you Elmo band-wagoners get your muppety fur in a bunch, just hear me out.

When will they ever learn that story is key? The plot centers around this Johnny-Come-Lately, a.k.a. Elmo, trying to recover his lost/misplaced/stolen blanket. Our hero, for lack of a better word, must have grown up listening to Bob Dole, because he (is it a he?) continually refers to himself in the third person. Elmo this, Elmo that.

My first problem with the story is that it's horribly contrived. Early on, Elmo bares his selfish teeth in not sharing (i.e. giving away) his blanket to his best friend, Zoe. And then the blanket just so happens to be magically transported to Grouchland, where everybody's favorite Oscar originally hails from. Grouchland just so happens to be ruled and terrorized by an evil selfish man, Huxley, who's played by pre-Criminal Minds, post-The Princess Bride Mandy Potankin. (Yes, his first name is really Mandy.) Elmo, with the help of his sidekicks (i.e. the rest of Sesame Street anymore), must reclaim what is rightfully his and thus defeat Huxley...by out-selfishing him, of course. But my main beef is this: what are the chances that Elmo would have a problem with selfishness and that his blanket would be accidentally transported to Grouchland, which just so happens to be ruled by a selfish man and which just so happens to be the perfect venue for Elmo to learn his life lesson?

I mean, come on.

Problem number two: Since when did Sesame Street start feeling the need to have a moral to every story? Seriously. Did Steven Spielberg secretly wrest control of this property from Jim Henson?

My third issue is with the moral of the story itself. Basically, Elmo is evil because he believes in private property. And his enemy is the ultimate straw-man, as one-dimensional as they come: a tyrant who steals from everybody else and has no friends. It's like they made this movie for kids or something. WTF, right?

Apparently, in the universe of Sesame Street, you can either be selfless and good or you can be an evil, sadistic, self-loathing man whose only pleasure in life comes from taking what is everybody else's. Elmo's victory in reclaiming his lost blanket from the clutches of Huxley - what we've been waiting for a whole 73 minutes and what should be so satisfying! - rings hollow. That is, it's hollow until Elmo offers his most prized possession up to his best friend Zoe. He's only allowed to be happy when he's denying himself - Ayn Rand is rolling over in her grave. They might as well rename it Communist Street.

Finally, Elmo breaks the effing fourth wall repeatedly. How annoying is that?! I don't want to be reminded that I'm watching a movie. Stop turning to the audience and asking us questions, because you're just calling attention to the artifice. I want to maintain the illusion. I don't care that it's a bunch of puppets and stop-motion and ridiculous sets and actors playing parts...I just don't want to be pulled out of the story!

All of this would be forgivable of course if it weren't for the fact that the rest of the gang gets such short shrift in the story. Grover/Super Grover is relegated to a slapsticky cameo, reminiscent of Jerry Lewis way past his prime. Cookie Monster, the fucking king of the one-liner, gets to speak twice. You can tell this career-turn is having an effect on Cookie too, because his performance just ain't up to snuff. And everybody's favorite enormous yellow bird - he's gone from centerpiece in Follow That Bird to the punchline. All of our favorite characters are being nudged off the stage, because it just isn't big enough for them and Elmo's enormous ego.

I want to know where they spent all the money on this movie. According to wiki, the budget was a whopping $26,000,000! With $26,000,000, we could take over Cuba for God's sake, and that way, none of us would have to sneak these cigars past airport security anymore. IMDb lists the film's budget as a more modest 17 mill. They had to shell out some scratch for Vanessa Williams's five minute turn as the Queen of Trash (type-casting, much?), and of course some serious dough went to Mandy "You Killed My Father You Sick Serial Killer" Potankin, who does a lot with a little...but where did the rest of it go? And, if box office and reviews and Internet gossip are any indication, I am not alone in my opinion about this movie: it only made back 11 mill at the box office and enjoys a generous 5.5 rating on IMDb.

How the mighty have fallen....

***

Of course I'm taking the piss with this post. Fiona adores this movie, which means I do too. All you non-Dads can now proceed to stab your eyeballs out.

Louie Louie Louie LOUIE

2010-08-29T09:03:00.002-04:00

Louis CK's new show on FX is called Louie. I don't know why it's not spelled Louis. Maybe the reasoning behind the orthography is so that people properly pronounce the guy's name.

On the show, Louie - I mean, Louis - plays Louie...okay this is getting silly and confusing. What I'm saying is that the stand-up comedian plays an enhanced version of himself, warts and all. Though he's a comedian, and though there are some laugh-out-loud moments on the show, you'd have to put a gun to my head for me to call it a comedy.

Please put the revolver away.

What I'm saying is the show's is more a drama. A very dark, unrelentingly bleak drama that comes up for comedic air sporadically, mostly when the show cuts to Louie doing one of his routines. Sometimes, though, it's downright uncomfortable to watch. In one episode, we're treated to a scene where Louie tells his mother how much he can't stand her and doesn't love her. It was an excruciating moment, a little too much to bear for me.

On the whole though, the show is a gem. The comparisons to Seinfeld are inevitable, and in some instances justified: antihero comedian walks the overpopulated yet lonely streets of New York, surrounded by neurotics and weirdos and absurdity. We even cut away to his stand-up routine at various times during every episode.

But. Whereas Seinfeld was about "nothing," Louie is about "everything." Divorce, middle-age, single parenthood, sex, love, and ultimately, meaning in life, or the lack thereof. The show has a way of blind-siding you with how serious it can be. At times, it's even a foray into the surreal, like when a girl Louie is poorly attempting to woo flees to a nearby helicopter and is spirited away.

My only problem with the show, hinted above, is that it's a little too uncomfortable to watch at times. The leitmotif for ground-breaking comedy in recent years has been awkwardness. Larry David pushed the envelope with Curb Your Enthusiasm, and The Office (US version, haven't seen the UK version) spends a lot of its time in the "make the audience cringe" category. But Louie, IMHO, sometimes takes it even further.

Does Louie go too far? Does comedy these days go too far? With horror films, we have a relatively new subgenre derisively referred to as torture porn (think the Saw movies)...has comedy gone down the same path with excruciatingly awkward sit-coms?

Okay, Movie Fans

2010-05-03T21:18:00.005-04:00

Not that you care in the least, but here are the flicks I'm most looking forward to this summer:

5. The A-Team. The trailer is a mish-mash of tones, being both gritty and fantastical. This film version of what was honestly a campy series has a lot of questions to answer. Can the new team live up to the old team? Is Quinton Rampage Jackson "BA" enough? Can Liam Neeson smoke a cigar as good as George Peppard? Can Sharlto Copley pull off a convincing Southern American accent? And most importantly, will we be lucky enough to see some villains actually die on-screen?

4. Iron Man 2. I enjoyed the first outing, which was light and fun, but never silly. I'm hoping the second is in the same vein. Not every movie has to be dark and not every "superhero" has to be riddled with angst.

3. Robin Hood. This story's been told a million times, but Ridley's directing. That's right, Ridley. Also, the rumors about all the shenanigans on-set, from the constant rewrites to Crowe and Scott butting heads at every turn, could produce a Casablanca like effect, creating a whole greater than the sum of its parts...or it could render the movie complete and utter crap. I have faith in Ridley though, not just because of Alien and Bladerunner but because of the underrated Kingdom of Heaven, a solid period piece that suffered from mismarketing.

2. Inception. Christopher Nolan, two years removed from The Dark Knight, brings us his contemporary sci-fi story set "within the architecture of the mind." And that's about all we know of the story. This flick's plot has been more closely guarded than my Darth Vader toy carrying case. Not even Fiona will be allowed near that. Upon my death, it will be buried with me for my journey into the Underworld. Just kidding...sort of. But back to Inception - the trailer looks impressive as hell. And Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the man.

1. The Expendables. Watch the trailer now. No really, watch it now. This could be the action film to end all action films. A throwback to the testosteronic 80s, when heroes didn't even know what a feminine side was, and when cheesy one-liners were just as awful but somehow not so cheesy. This flick boasts the best kick-some-ass, take-no-prisoners cast ever: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren (who pulled the stake out of his heart?), Randy effing Couture, Steve Austin, Mickey Fashion Sense Rourke, Terry Crews, and Eric "who-the-hell's-Julia?" Roberts.

Historical Fiction At Its Best

2010-03-30T15:34:00.008-04:00

Robert Harris needs to write more novels. The former journalist and BBC reporter has but seven fiction titles to his credit. Considering how well-researched (at least they seem so to me) and how well-written they are, though, maybe that does constitute a lot of books.

But still, I'm greedy and want to read more of his stuff.

I recently read Conspirata, known everywhere outside of the United States as Lustrum, because apparently publishers think we Yanks are too dumb to be interested in a book named after an obscure Roman concept of time. Lustrum - ahem, Conspirata - is the second in a planned trilogy about none other than the greatest orator of all time, Marcus Tullius Cicero. This book, Conspirata, chronicles his year as consul and the following four turbulent years of Cicero's life, while the preceding volume, Imperium, gives a rollicking account of his rise to power. I can only assume the final book will be about Cicero's exile, few remaining years, and (SPOILER ALERT) execution.

Imperium and Conspirata are both wonderful books that bring a fascinating period of history to life, and while one can easily draw parallels between the events in these stories and political happenings of today, Harris does a good job of not forcing any comparisons. Both stories are told through the eyes of Tiro, Cicero's faithful slave, who is credited with, believe it or not, the creation of shorthand. Tiro as a narrator is mostly passive, reminding me of some of Dostoevsky's narrators, who mostly observe and rarely cause any major things to happen in the story. Though Tiro does manage at times to be important to the story and offers Cicero sagely advice from time to time.

I've read some of Harris's other books, including Archangel, The Ghost, and Pompeii, this last one being about Mount Vesuvius's eruption and destruction of the eponymous city. I've enjoyed all these books immensely, but Harris takes him game - to borrow one of the many overused sports' cliches - to the next level in his stories about Cicero.

____

I've blogged before about Bernard Cornwell, whom many consider to be the best historical fiction writer working today. Cornwell is a great writer, who really excels at describing combat tactics and bloody battles. And like I said before, I consider the Warlord Trilogy to be one of my two favorite trilogies of all time.

Harris, on the other hand, excels at telling cerebral stories brimming with political intrigue. Is one writer better than the other? It would be unfair to compare the two, since they're trying to do different things with their stories, but needless to say, I recommend both authors to all fans of historical fiction.

(Interesting tidbit: Harris's book, The Ghost, was recently made into the movie, The Ghost Writer, directed by none other than Roman Polanski.)

(Interesting tidbit 2: I share a birthday with Cicero. Now if only I shared his wit, eloquence, and oratorical skills.)

Oscar Picks

2010-03-07T11:38:00.004-05:00

Here are my predictions for tonight's Oscars.

Best Picture: The Hurt Locker

Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow

Best Actor: Jeff Bridges

Best Actress: Sandra Bullock

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Christoph Waltz

Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Mo'Nique

Best Original Screenplay: Inglourious Basterds

Best Adapted Screenplay: Up in the Air

Best Editing: The Hurt Locker (I think Avatar might nab this one, but the tight editing of The Hurt Locker was awesome.)

All Other Technical Stuff: Avatar

Best Skit You Won't See Aired: Ben Stiller and Sasha Baren Cohen riffing on Avatar

How about everyone else?

Bizarre Query Response

2010-03-03T18:21:00.006-05:00

I've just started sending queries out on one of my projects, so I've got the proverbial fingers crossed. As anyone who's done this knows, it's a tedious yet exciting, hurry-up-and-wait, dancing in the dark process.

As to be expected, the responses have been mostly no's, but there have been a few bites here and there. One positive response was a bit baffling, and I wanted to share it with everyone to get their feedback. The name of the agent has been redacted to protect the (perhaps not-so) innocent, and what follows is the agent's response to my query:

Dear Brian,

Thank you for your query (I ordinarily do NOT look at queries by email). But I actually read your query and thought it very intelligent. If you are not sending this simultaneously to other agents or publishers, then you may send this same query, a one page synopsis and the first three chapters or first 50 pages to me if you like. (Please tell me if you’ve sent this to other agents or publishers previously and if so which ones and what sort of comments or feedback did you get.) Mark the outside of the package “Special Request – per XXXXX.” Then in your cover letter be sure to mention I asked you to send this after reading your electronic query. Include a list of books (with dates and publishers) of books you think are competition. Include an author bio and list of other books you’ve written (with dates of publications and publishers). These are things I must know in order to give your project its best consideration. Finally, how you found my agency and this email address. It is usually unpublished, but I recently changed my email address, so it would help if I understood how you found this email. I always need to know ALL this information. Thank you for your cooperation.

If you have any questions, feel free to call me. I appreciate your thinking of my Agency.

Let me explain why this response is so strange. For starters, this particular agent's website lists the email address I sent the query to and specifically advises writers to send queries to that address. So I was left scratching my head when the agent asked me how I got the email address and stated that he/she does not generally look at e-queries, when the website says otherwise.

The request for a list of competing books is a bit off-putting. I know a few agents ask for this information up front from writers, but at the same time, aren't they supposed to be the experts on the market? The oft-repeated advice from agents is to write what you want to write, the idea being that writers shouldn't chase some market or trend for a dollar. Agents say they'd prefer writers create something personal and thus unique. Also, I get very little time to read anymore, so I know for a fact I'm not as up to speed on the market as an agent would (should) be. I'd be hard-pressed to compile a credible list of competing books, and it would be mostly guesswork on my part.

But, the most troubling aspect of this agent's response is the request for a list of other agents/publishers I've queried, including their feedback on the manuscript. Why should this agent need that information to do their job? I have no idea, but he/she should be able to form their own opinion on the manuscript without having to review what other people have said.

After a little more research, I discovered this agent used to charge a fee for reviewing a manuscript. I don't know if that's still the case, and the agent did not ask me for any money, but that's obviously a big no-no. (To any non-writers out there: money is always supposed to flow TOWARD the writer, never away.)

I'm not going to pursue a professional relationship with this agent based on this response. It seems to me this particular agent wanted me to do his/her job: figure out the market and then supply him/her with an accounting of what other agents and editors have said about the manuscript.

Has anyone else ever gotten this kind of response, one asking for detailed information about other agents/editors and their feedback?

****

By the way, Blogger has gone crazy apparently. It seems that all comments left on posts pre-dating the January 30, 2010 Gene Hackman post have mysteriously vanished. So I'm going to ask you all a favor: if you've ever posted here before, please leave a comment on this post. Reason I ask is, agents and editors might be checking out this blog now and in the near future, so it would be a big help to be able to show them people do read this blog. Thanks!

Happy Birthday, Mr. Hackman

2010-01-30T10:26:00.004-05:00

Today, Gene Hackman became an octogenarian, believe it or not. I found some clips on Youtube of his appearance on Inside the Actors Studio. The episode is split into five parts, and unfortunately, part four is missing. But still, it's a good watch, well worth the time if you like Hackman. Despite his success and many accomplishments, he remains a truly humble human being. He comes across as personable, thoughtful, shy, and at times vulnerable.

Hackman may just be my favorite actor of all time. The guy has tremendous range and managed throughout his career to be both a huge box-office draw and a serious actor. He won the Oscar twice, the first time for bringing Popeye Doyle to life in The French Connection and the second time for his turn as Little Bill Daggett in Unforgiven. What's neat about these two roles is that they're almost the antithesis of each other. Popeye Doyle is the tough cop who bends the rules to see that justice is done; Daggett is a tough sheriff who adjusts the rules as he goes along to see that the status quo isn't upset.

He's given many great performances, but I think my favorite scene of his comes in French Connection II. (I tried to find it on Youtube, but couldn't.) The scene takes place within the tiny confines of some dingy cell in a French police building, and Hackman has just spent the last week or so tied to a bed and being forced to take heroin by "Frog One," the guy he's spent the last one-and-a-half movies hunting down with little success. In order to help the French police, and obviously himself, he has to get off the junk that he's become involuntarily addicted to, and what follows is a gut-wrenching, harrowing performance as Hackman goes completely cold turkey. It's so good it's painful to watch.

By the way, I think French Connection II is one of the finest sequels ever made. It's a taut police thriller with wonderful acting, great locations, some nice action set pieces, and it has one of the most satisfying endings ever put on film. I won't spoil it for you, but I will say this. The ending is brilliant because it plays against your expectations, as established by the ending of the first film.

As an added bonus, here's the car chase, the one that needs no introduction. I listened to a commentary once by William Friedkin, director of The French Connection, and he said that yes, that was Hackman behind the wheel of the car, doing about seventy under the El.

I Made It to 31

2010-01-03T12:17:00.003-05:00

I'm being lazy, but as a new Dad I think I've earned the right.

So anyway, I turned 31 today. Here's a link to my post from a year ago, in which I divulged my perfectly rational fears that I wouldn't live past 30.

Happy 2010 everyone! Thank you all for the birthday wishes. Hopefully soon I'll get back to writing posts that are little more clever, humorous, or in the very least, momentarily diverting.

Season's Greetings From Fiona

2009-12-25T09:18:00.002-05:00

Fiona's first day on Earth.

In her favorite place, the newborn napper.

Happy Festivus

2009-12-23T14:11:00.004-05:00

A colleague at work pointed me in the direction of this great great wiki entry. Check it out if you get a chance.

Apparently, this holiday was created long before it became popularized by its infamous appearance on Seinfeld. There are some potentially great traditions associated with it, especially the Airing of Grievances, which, if done right, could be therapeutic and constructive for all parties concerned.

______

Sort of off-topic, but in college one of my friends nicknamed me "Jerry," as it was his opinion I strongly resembled Mr. Seinfeld. I didn't see much of a resemblance back then and still don't, but my buddy was not alone in his view. As recently as last winter, while at a restaurant with my wife, a party waiting for their table approached me just to say I looked like Jerry Seinfeld. This is not the first time this has happened, though I hope it is the last. And several years ago, at a holiday party, a friend of the family pulled me aside and suggested I try to earn some money being a celebrity look-alike. Thinking she was joking, I broke into laughter, only to discover too late her advice had been given in earnest.

This picture of me was taken a few years back. I don't see a resemblance at all, though I'll let you decide for yourselves.

A Good Review of The Unearthed

2009-12-18T09:58:00.004-05:00

Bitten by Books, a paranormal book review site, recently gave The Unearthed a good review. If you're on the fence about buying it, check out the review. It doesn't spoil the story, and it gives you a good feel for what it's about.

I can't believe it's been nine months since the book came out. As far as unmarketed e-books written by first-time authors go, it has done well. Looking back now, I wish I had marketed it more, but in all fairness to me I didn't (and still don't) have the time, resources, or bank account for it.

It also doesn't help that I can't stomach shameless self-promotion.

That being said, I'll take this opportunity to once again thank everyone kind enough to buy, read, recommend, and/or review it! I see The Unearthed as a stepping stone really, something I'm proud of and can use as a marketing tool in query letters for future manuscripts. And, as far as first books go, I think it's pretty good. Even the agents and other publishers who passed it up had nice things to say about the story. Sure, when I look back at it now, I can think of a few things I'd like to change, but I'm certain all authors feel that way about most of the books they write. As the saying goes, you don't really ever finish a book; at some point you just have to abandon it.

____

People have asked if there will be a sequel, and I'll answer by saying, yes, at some point there probably will be. But it will definitely be a very different story - I'm not interested in re-hashing the haunted house tale again.

Me? A Dad?

2009-12-15T08:59:00.005-05:00

Apropos of my last post, about people using the internet to share all manner of personal information, I'm thrilled to say that Fiona Helen O'Rourke arrived last week, on December 9, 2009.

She and Jenna are doing well, as am I. Fiona came in weighing 8 pounds 13 ounces, and unfortunately for her, it looks like she may have gotten her feet from her father (I wear a size 15).

In my estimation, Jenna and I have averaged about four hours of sleep a night for the past week. I'm fairly delirious at this point, so I hope this post makes the least bit of sense.

Now I know what it feels like to be a Muslim detainee at Gitmo, being woken up every couple of hours.

In terms of this blog, well, I won't be posting with much frequency for the foreseeable future, for obvious reasons. I hope you all can forgive me, and by "all," I mean: Seana Graham, Nate Green, Marco, Adrian McKinty, Nicklas Hughes, Rita Vetere, and any lurkers (?) that might be out there, including dear old Dad. But I wanted to thank you for taking the time to read my otherwise inane ramblings and comment on same.

A bientot.

Information Overload

2009-12-04T09:13:00.008-05:00

It's time we brought an end to this so-called Information Age.

I was reading this article this morning, about a groom who stopped his marital proceedings mid-ceremony so he could update his Facebook and Twitter pages.

Are you effing kidding me?

Why do so many human beings feel the need to alert hundreds, if not thousands, of mere acquaintances of the most personal, intimate details of their lives, in real-time nonetheless?

And conversely, why do so many human beings soak this sort of thing up?

In this day and age, we are bombarded with information, from blogs (yes, including this one), yahoo groups, tweets, facebook pages, myspace pages, text messages, and so many other different emerging "news" sources, most of it inconsequential at the end of the day. I don't think we were meant, as a species, to be barraged by all this stuff. But for whatever reason, people are spending inordinate amounts of time transmitting the most random (and often) meaningless information to one another.

The pervasive nature of this information overload - both the giving and the receiving of it - seems to be an addiction of sorts. My uneducated guess is that the ability to tell hundreds of people something about oneself makes one feel important.

But far be it from me to shake my finger at everyone else. Despite the fact I think Tiger Woods's "transgressions" (to use his word) should remain a private affair - for the sake of his family - I'll admit I've checked up on the developing story every day since it broke.

Shame on me for perpetuating this gossipy nonsense that passes for news.

Inane status updates on social networking sites bug me the most. Oh, you're having your third coffee of the morning? Good for you, as Christian Bale would say.

Oh, you don't know what to do with your day, so you decided to tweet about not knowing what to do with your day? That's awesome, thanks for the update.

Oh, you have a hangover because you were out partying last night? Actually, that's pretty cool, which bar did you go to...

I don't know what we can do to reshape the cultural zeitgeist, but I'd like to see us enter a new Age, whatever it is. Like, let's say, a Second Space Age.

Hell, I'd even take another Bronze Age over what we have right now. Okay, just kidding. But seriously, I'd love to see us enter the Think Before You Speak/Text/Tweet/Blog Age.

Rex Quondam Rex Futurus

2009-11-13T07:12:00.003-05:00

I'm an admitted King Arthur nut. I've read Mary Stewart's books, T.H. White's classic The Once and Future King (including its oft-forgot final chapter, The Book of Merlin), and yes, even slogged my way through some of Malory's Morte D'Arthur. I own Boorman's Excalibur, which is a mostly excellent film, and even "borrowed permanently" Dad's copy of the 2004 film King Arthur.

I still have to read Marion Zimmer Bradley's stories, but Mists of Avalon is near the top of the To Read List.

Having hopefully established my bona fides, I can say without reservation that the best Arthur stories I have ever read or seen remain Bernard Cornwell's Warlord Chronicles, three books consisting of: The Winter King, Enemy of God, and Excalibur.

Cornwell is a consistently fantastic writer. His stories are vividly descriptive without being flowery; poignant without ever dipping into sentimentality; and sheer, visceral, rollicking good fun without ever turning campy.

I have read many of his other books, which are all good, but the Arthur books in my humble opinion are a cut above the rest. In these tales, Arthur is the king in all but name; Mordred is not his son but rather his half-brother; Lancelot is a gutless, manipulative, vain, back-stabbing, power-hungry cad; and the narrator and unabashed hero of the saga is a Saxon-born man named Derfel, raised by Merlin.

All three stories are thrilling, gripping adventures. If you've never read Cornwell before, his bread and butter is his ability to draw realistic battle scenes. Cliche as this is going to sound, you feel like you're standing in the shield wall with Derfel as the barbaric Saxon hordes, outnumbering Arthur's men by the thousands, charge. Life, even outside of the battlefields, can be nasty, brutish, and short, to steal a phrase. His characters are real people, heroic, flawed, often well-intentioned, and fighting to carve out a happy existence.

I can't recommend these three books enough. I consider them one of my two favorite trilogies, the other being Adrian McKinty's kick-ass Dead Trilogy, which I've posted about before.

2012? No Big Deal. We've Got Bigger Problems!

2009-11-02T13:15:00.004-05:00

In anticipation of Roland Emmerich's upcoming latest mega-disaster flick, 2012, I give you the most depressing website ever.

Okay, depressing might not be the right word for it, but Exit Mundi is a fairly expansive catalogue of the diabolical ways the world/the Universe might come to an end. Here are some of my favorite theories from the web site:

-The Universe is just a computer program, which at any time, and for whatever reason, could simply be switched off by the programmer.

-We are going to turn into the Borg. (I kid you not! Check this page out.)

-The Earth's magnetic field is flipping over and will someday disappear entirely.

-The fundamental constants will reach their critical values, and everything will just get all screwy.

What say you? How do you all think this will end?

The Long And The Short Of It

2009-10-24T16:03:00.004-04:00

Last weekend, we surprised the wife with a baby shower. Family and friends were all extremely generous - I've never seen so many presents in my life - and Jenna spent the better part of four hours just opening everything. Thanks again to everyone!

One of the more interesting gifts was a copy of War and Peace. I thought it was a pretty cool gift, being something Baby Girl O'Rourke wouldn't use until she's a bit older.

War and Peace is notorious for its length. Rick Reilly, famous sports writer, once described how far John Daley hit a golf ball by saying, "He's longer than Tolstoy." I have yet to read WaP, but I did enjoy Anna Karenina, which itself is not short by any means.

Anyway, I found a wiki link to the world's longest novels and was amazed to find this. Marienbad My Love, a self-published work, spans over 17 million words. I will never even attempt to read this book, but here's the blurb for it:

Coppell, TX - Texas writer Mark Leach has published an expanded edition of "Marienbad My Love," the world's longest novel, that tops 17 million words and also sets new records for the world's longest word, sentence and book title.

The Coppell, Texas, writer has been making a run at the record books with his still-growing story of a Christ-haunted filmmaker who believes he is called on by God to bring about the end of the world by producing a science fiction-themed pastiche of the 1961 French New Wave classic, “Last Year at Marienbad.”

And here I thought my book, The Unearthed, was a bit long-winded at 80,000 words!

The Signs Point To An Invasion!!!! And More On The Legend of Zelda

2009-10-14T16:50:00.005-04:00

First, I find out that Captain Lou Albano passed away. Then I read about this strange cloud hovering over Moscow.

Are the two connected? Absolutely. How couldn't they be? What do they mean? Well, I'll tell you: an alien invasion is imminent. Either that or it's just a meaningless coincidence. But one can never be too prepared, right?

For those of us who don't remember or never knew of the Captain, he was a fixture in the WWF in the 80s and also appeared in the Super Mario Brothers Super Show, a strange hybrid of live action and cartoon. The best part of SMBSS was, once a week (usually Fridays), they would air an episode not about the Mario Bros, but about the continuing adventures of Link, our hero from The Legend of Zelda. On The Legend of Zelda TV show, Link divided his time by going toe-to-toe with the evil wizard Ganon and his minions and trying to score with the Princess, who just wouldn't give it up, no matter how great the heroic deeds he performed.

For more on Zelda, check out my previous post, The Greatest Video Game Ever Made.

Anyway, back to this invasion...

I Kept My Appointment With The Wicker Man, But He Wasn't That Cool

2009-10-10T13:59:00.004-04:00

Sorry to be so flip about what is considered a cult classic, but I can't help but wonder why this flick is held in such high regard. And no, I'm not talking about the remake with Nicolas Cage, I'm talking about the original movie that so many people love, venerate, and ironically worship with a religious fervor.

This movie falls into "the hero is so stupid that I don't even care what happens to him" camp. Why we're supposed to like the policeman protagonist is beyond me, as every step of the way he's dumb, not the least bit cautious considering the circumstances, and appropriately pig-headed. The defenders of this movie will retort by saying, "Ah, yes, but we're not supposed to like him." To which I respond, "If we're not supposed to like him, then why do I care if (SPOILER) he's burned alive at the end of the movie?"

Huh? Why do I care? That's right. I don't.

In all fairness, this movie may have been overhyped for me. A few people previously told me it was the scariest, most terrifying movie they'd ever seen. But I found very little about it scary. The plot essentially evolves around this policeman trying to locate a young girl who a) is missing, b) doesn't exist, c) is dead, d) may not really be dead, e) who is alive, and f) who may be sacrificed in a pagan ritual. The cop reaches the summit of his stupidity when, in an audience head-smacking moment, he divulges his findings and his plans to Lord Summerisle (played by Christopher Lee), the man who at least the audience is smart enough to know must be at the center of everything.

The score doesn't help. A 70s soft-rock, easy-listening melody plays at various points, which seriously undermines any tension or creepiness, and which calls attention to itself in all the wrong ways.

Like I say, maybe this was a case of a film being overhyped. Though, I think much of the male admiration of this movie has to do with the fact there's a lot of naked women dancing and/or fornicating throughout. Christoper Lee and the lead (as unlikeable as the character is) turn in solid performances, but on the whole this movie is just okay.

Making Fun Of Men Who Drink Cider Is UnAmerican

2009-10-02T16:15:00.011-04:00

Hard cider currently enjoys, at best, a so-so reputation in the United States. Ordering cider at the bar will lose you macho points almost as quickly as ordering a Shirley Temple. You might as well ask the guys at the bar around you to kick your ass and then politely thank them for it.

It's a travesty that cider isn't held in the same regard as beer, for cider is delicious, it does not dull the taste buds as many beers do, and it packs quite the alcoholic punch, usually just as much as beer. So where did this beer is better than cider idea come from? It's my belief that cider (along with many other good drinks) actually tastes too good to be taken seriously. After all, real alcoholic beverages are supposed to be difficult to drink, right? Beer is good, and I probably prefer it to cider, but let's be honest, beer's an acquired taste. The first beer you had as an underage youngster didn't taste all that great. Nor did the six-pack of Natural Light you sucked down every night during college.

And liquor is even more of an acquired taste. Downing a shot of whiskey or scotch or tequila, even over ice, is rough going despite however many years you've been drinking the stuff. However, in that strange universe where machoism meets masochism (coincidence those words are so close?), the tougher to drink, the better the liquor.

The good news is, this anti-ciderism seems localized to the United States; across the pond, cider is an acceptable, often preferable, alternative to beer. Why is that the case? I don't know, but it's time cider got the recognition it deserves. It's time we returned to our roots. Today, I came across this great article on Slate.com. For you Yanks out there that scoff at the notion of cider being an acceptable drink for a man, scoff no more, ye bastards, and the next time you're at one of the few bars in the States that offers a cider on tap, drink up, admit to the error of your ways, and repent.

As it turns out, cider was the "favored beverage among America's founding generation." Yes, men like George Washington and John Adams enjoyed this great drink, and apparently, in great quantities. Revolutionary war soldiers drank it to fortify themselves between battles. Children enjoyed a diluted version called "ciderkin." The Slate article does a great job at exploring the history of cider in America, so I won't rehash it all here. Instead, I'm going to issue this call to arms. I'm going to be so bold as to declare this America's first War On Anti-Ciderists. It's time we resurrected our forgotten American tradition of drinking lots of cider and imbibe this fabulous concoction the way the founding fathers did. And as it was the drink of the original patriots, I think it appropriate here to propose this amendment to the US Patriot Act:

"To enhance patriotism and bolster the sense of community in these United States. Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled that,

TITLE XI - The Consumption of Hard Cider

Sec. 101

Henceforth all Americans, males included, shall be lauded for drinking hard cider and encouraged to do so on a daily basis.

Sec. 102

Any individual who maliciously and wantonly ridicules any individual for drinking hard cider shall be subject to criminal and civil penalties, including five (5) years in prison and up to $1000 in fines for each offense."

Please impress upon your friends and family the importance of this proposed legislation. We will need all the help we can get to have this enacted. And make sure to drink cider whenever you get the chance.

FOIA!

2009-09-25T16:08:00.007-04:00

Every now and then something work-related leads to something humorous and shareable with non-work colleagues and friends...

One of my job duties is to serve as Privacy Officer. You might think that means keeping the company's secrets secret, but in fact it means safe-guarding sensitive and protected information about individuals that comes into the company's possession. Though that might sound glamorous, it's really not and amounts to little more than "reviewing voluminous documents" (a favorite catchphrase among lawyers regardless of specialization or practice) and redacting, where necessary. I recently had to do some research on the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) and, on a lark, I "wikipediaed" FOIA.

It's a fairly long, fairly dry entry about this otherwise important legislation. But if you scroll down to the subsection on Barbara Schwarz, you're in for a real treat.

Apparently, Ms. Schwarz maintains the dubious distinction of having filed more FOIA requests than any other person on this Earth. Why? Ms. Schwarz claims that, instead of being born in Germany in 1966, she was actually born in 1956 in a "secret government submarine" base under the Great Salt Lake. If you didn't think the story could get any weirder, it does, as Ms. Schwarz also claims she is the daughter of L. Ron Hubbard.

Ms. Schwarz has managed to tie up the docket of a U.S. District Court or Court of Appeals since 1993 with her requests for information, and much to no avail. I could go on and recount every single fact mentioned in the wiki article, but that would make for lazy writing. (And let's just ignore the fact that's all I've really done here.)

Memo to JJ Abrams

2009-09-20T08:43:00.008-04:00

To: JJ Abrams
From: Brian O'Rourke, A Moviegoer Of Little To No Importance
Date: 9/20/09
RE: Mission: Impossible IV
______________________________________________________________

There's been a lot of buzz recently about two sequels: Star Trek 2 and Mission: Impossible IV. Mr. Abrams, you are no doubt receiving more advice, ideas, and feedback than you know what to do with regarding Star Trek 2, so I won't burden you with more of the same. I was wondering, however, if you'd care to listen to some advice on how to make the next installment of the bumpy and uneven series that is Mission: Impossible into a really good movie.

To begin with, let's recap the series thus far. 1996's Mission: Impossible turned the concept of the TV series on its head. In the first twenty minutes of the movie, Ethan Hunt, our hero, watches helplessly as each member of his team dies pretty a horrific death while on a very important mission. To make matters worse, after Hunt has seen all this happen, the brass accuse him of the murders and of being a double agent, selling secrets on the side. I say this movie turned the series on its head because Mission: Impossible the TV series had always been more of a team show. The better episodes employed intricate plotting, where each character had an important role in the mission, and thus the stories had many moving parts. This really amped up the suspense and the fun of the show. By virtue of killing off Hunt's team in the beginning of the 1996 film, the movie necessarily became more of a one-man show. On the whole, the first film is well-shot (of course it is, because the underrated Brian DePalma directed it) and well-acted, and the opening thirty minutes of the movie create a real sense of paranoia in the spy world of smoke and mirrors. There is a great set piece in the middle of the film, too, where Hunt manages to break into the CIA, which has been parodied time and time again in the ensuing thirteen years. It's a decent film that comes off the rails toward the end because of hopelessly convoluted plotting and the ridiculous final action set piece.

Without exaggeration, MI: II is one of the worst movies I've ever seen in the theater. The sequel essentially turns Hunt into an American James Bond, a somewhat roguish agent who bickers with his handler, and who of course manages to find the time while on a mission to meet and fall in love with a beautiful woman. John Woo sticks to his own rule of having at least three chase scenes in every movie he makes, and really does little else. The mask trick is overused in this movie and that unfortunately carries through to the next film. And gone again is the team aspect that made the series so cool: Hunt, a larger-than-life super spy, braves it mostly alone throughout. and the usually cool Ving Rhames is along for the ride only to remind us of how dangerous and cool Hunt is.

MI: III is the best of the series. Its plot is more plausible than the first film; the action, while over-the-top, isn't overblown like in the second film; and Abrams allows most of his characters to develop into people with real interpersonal relationships. Philip Seymour Hoffman and Laurence Fishburne make the most of relatively small parts, and the plot has some really good turns. Still, though, Cruise dominates the story, and much of the plot is devoted to Hunt balancing the demands of his career with a normal married existence. The film could have been called Family Life: Impossible, and the title would have been just as appropriate.

So, what do I have by way of advice for MI: IV? If you haven't already guessed it, here it is: go back to the concept of the TV show. Make the mission the most important thing going on in the plot and allow it to dominate the second act. Make this next film into more of a team effort, where every character has an important job to do, as opposed to just waiting around for Hunt to work his magic and scrambling to keep up with him while he's working. Put all of the characters in danger. Make us think the mission could go wrong at any juncture, not just when Hunt is involved. Make it so the mission really does seem impossible.

Each movie so far has shown Hunt at odds with his administration. Let's not go there again. Let the focus be on the enemies from without, as opposed to the enemies from within. A good old-fashioned good guys versus bad guys scenario will actually be a breath of fresh air in this series.

Finally, you transformed super spy Hunt into a seemingly real person in MI: III. Bravo, well done. That was a nice counterpoint to the cartoonery of MI: II. But we don't need any more of that. If you want to continue the spy managing a real home life thread, by all means do so, but don't make it the point of the movie. If you want, turn Hunt into the next Jim Phelps, a character the series has been sorely missing, a true leader, not a maverick agent who occasionally needs help from other spies.

Or, just go ahead and do what you want because you seem to know exactly what you're doing, if Star Trek's box office is any indication.

Wikipedia's 16th Biggest Blunder

2009-09-15T16:44:00.004-04:00

Contrary to what the Brian O'Rourke wikipedia page may claim, I am not an Irish lord from the mid to late 16th century. I have never offended Queen Elizabeth (and it's a good thing too), and I have also never been extradited within Great Britain for treason "over the seas"...

Okay, obviously the wiki page is not about me but about someone much cooler, Lord Brian na Múrtha Ó Ruairc, an Irish dude who apparently did all these things. According to the article, he was a fairly learned Irish chieftain, though also addled by the sin of pride and brazen enough to assist the Spanish friggen Armada after one of its battles with the Royal Navy.

The O'Rourkes were the historic rulers of Breifne, and I've heard the old castle is still over there, somewhere in County Leitrim. On our sole trip to Ireland, the wife and I did not make it to Country Leitrim unfortunately. But, according to a very drunken Irish fella who once stood at the urinal next to the one I was using one night in Union Jack's Pub in Glenside, PA, "Leitrim? There's f----ng nothing up there." So apparently I wasn't missing much. The merry fella had a good laugh at his quip, and by the time I figured out exactly what he said (the accent coupled with the alcohol made his speech nearly incomprehensible to me), he had already exited the bog.

But now I'm rambling. Anyway, the title of this post refers to this article, which lists wikipedia's greatest blunders of all time. It's pretty funny. I especially enjoyed the eighth entry, which claimed that "The University of Cincinnati's former president is a whore." Wow.

Bill Gates Owes Me Money

2009-09-10T15:26:00.003-04:00

And with the baby girl on the way, it couldn't come at a better time!

As part of some marketing tool, Microsoft and AOL are running an email beta test. I received the email in question today and discovered that for every person I forwarded it to, I would receive $245.00. For every person I forwarded the email to who later forwarded it to someone else, I would receive $243.00. Etc, etc.

So what did I do, you ask? Promptly, I forwarded the subject email to 20 friends. Yes, that means I have at the least $4900 coming to me. Pay up, Mr. Gates, I want my money. Baby Girl O'Rourke will be here soon...

__________

Yes, this isn't real. Nate Green, one of the unfortunate souls I sent this to on a lark, was quick to send me this link explaining the origin of the hoax.

Am I dupe? Yes. Did it give me something to blog about? Yes. Fair trade. Matter of fact, I think that puts me ahead.

Thank you, Bill Gates and all you Internet pranksters out there.

1 Equals 0.999....

2009-09-03T11:55:00.005-04:00

This post concerns the weirdest, and possibly the coolest, thing I ever learned when studying math in high school and briefly in college.

Did you all know that the number 1 equals the repeating decimal 0.999...? Or, another way of saying it, did you know that the repeating decimal 0.999.... denotes a real number equal to 1?

I'm not making this up. For a more detailed (and better) explanation, check out the wiki article.

If you haven't clicked through to the link yet, here's the short-hand explanation.

1/3 = 0.333...
3 x 1/3 = 3 x 0.333...
Thus,
1 = 0.999...

Yikes.

You may be asking why I'm writing about this. Truth be told, I've always been fascinated by this "problem," and I encountered it recently during some research I was doing for a sci-fi novel. I won't begin to try and explain the real-world ramifications of this wonderful puzzle. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure there are any. What could it mean? Is this a problem inherent in our base-10 system of mathematics, or would this appear in all mathematical systems?

It's always cool to reexamine things taken for granted in a new light. Good fiction does this in many ways, one of them being the plot twist. A good plot twist is a plausible turn of events that forces us to reevaluate everything we've seen.

Still though, it's just crazy to think of the number 1, one of the very first things we learn, as being the same as 0.999...

Promote Whatever You Want On My Blog

2009-08-20T20:02:00.005-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, dogs and cats, it's that time again! Promote yourself, your best friend, your favorite Olympic ping-pong star who isn't Asian, your business, your local public-access TV station, your crazy new-fangled religion that worships Gore Vidal, your old BetaMax machine, your comic bo--er, graphic novel I mean--your favorite pair of underwear...you get the idea.

We've had some interesting comments in the past. Famed NI crime writer Adrian McKinty once left a comment promoting his brother in the armed services - I'm not sure it has happened yet, but I hear the paperwork is going through. Just kidding. On another occasion, Darkin Inc promoted a full cast audio drama podcast. Last but not least, Don Luis once stopped by to pimp his tattoo inspired clothing line.

Thanks for stopping by.

____

The wife and I will be on vacation for a week starting tomorrow. Not sure I'll get online that much while we're away, so apologies if I don't respond to every single promotion.

"I had a rough night, and I hate the (Philadelphia) Eagles, man."

2009-08-17T12:22:00.005-04:00

Those of you familiar with the quote above will recognize the slightly altered words of none other than Jeffrey Lebowski, a.k.a. The Dude, from the Coens' masterpiece, The Big Lebowski. It's a great movie that I had the pleasure of seeing on the big screen recently. I've talked about this movie at length (or, ad nauseam) on this blog and on other blogs before, so I'm not here to talk about it more (unless any commenters want to).

What I would like to discuss is how I now hate the Philadelphia Eagles. I've never been much of a football fan - no dig here, it's just not my thing - but, I never minded the Eagles. Matter of fact, I always supported them as my home team and wanted to see them succeed. Coach Andy Reid and quarterback Donovan McNabb seem like good guys all in all.

But I will not watch them play a game this season.

As most of you have probably heard, in a move that surprised a lot of people, the Eagles picked up Michael Vick.

Yes, they hired the same guy that operated an illegal dogfighting operation for SIX YEARS. It wasn't much of a prediction, but as I previously said, "someone is going to pick him up eventually and he'll make more than enough money to forget about his time spent inside." As it turns out, the Eagles of all teams decided to hire him.

I hear a lot of people say, "Everyone needs a second chance." And yes, that's true. Throughout my relatively short life, I myself have needed a lot of second chances. But Vick got off way too easily. If I had been caught running a dogfighting operation, I would have been disbarred and never allowed to practice law again. But not Vick. No. After all, he's an professional athlete. He's somehow not subject to the same rules as the rest of us.

Sure, he had to endure a lot of bad press and a two-year stretch inside, but at the end of the day, he's right back to playing in the NFL and earning more money in a couple of seasons than most will see in a lifetime. And besides, he has an agent, a PR rep, and probably countless other handlers who will help him restore as much of his image as they can.

If you still feel bad for Vick, consider this: he was caught doing this. This didn't come to an end because he turned himself in. Oh no. We can be almost certain that, if he hadn't been found out, the dogfighting would still be going on.

Forgetting for a moment the moral objections to allowing such a person to play for your team, I still wonder why the Eagles did this. Before this move, they were projected to make a run at the Super Bowl. But bringing Vick on board is going to alienate a lot of die-hard fans. Maybe some teammates. And wherever they go, whatever town they play in, this controversy is going to rear its ugly-head. It will follow them everywhere this season. Why would they willingly choose to face such distractions when their team was arguably good enough to make it to the Super Bowl in the first place?

I don't know the answer to that question, but obviously Andy Reid thinks this was a good idea. I have always supported Philadelphia sports, but I will no longer continue to do so with the Eagles. It's really a shame for the other players on the team, who will be forced to deal with this all season long.

The Eyes In The Sky

2009-08-13T07:29:00.005-04:00

The National Academy of Sciences released a report on Wednesday that was troubling: apparently, NASA was never given enough money to build the telescopes it needs to complete its absolutely vital mission of locating 90 percent of the potentially deadly rocks traveling through space.

There will come a day when the human race no longer walks the earth, though we should strive to ensure that day remains in the very distant future. This is exactly the sort of mission, despite being very costly, that we shouldn't underbudget. According to the Academy's report, the US government's effort has been "relatively little;" however, what's more startling is the fact that the US is "practically the only government doing anything at all." Our existence is balanced on a knife's edge, as they say, but this mission is one way we can increase our chances of staying on that edge. We need more eyes in the sky.

___

It's a good thing Earth isn't the biggest planet in the solar system. That distinction, thankfully, remains Jupiter's, and with significantly more gravity, the gas giant attracts a lot of these dangerous rocks flying through space. Just last month, a comet or an asteroid collided with Jupiter, and scientists estimate the object was the size of several football fields. Because of the collision, there is a new, expanding spot on Jupiter.

Horror Films of the Last 20 Years Have Been Pretty Ho-Hum..

2009-08-11T20:17:00.005-04:00

...if you agree with EW's 20 Top Horror Films of the Past 20 Years.

As if you cared in the least, here's my take on EW's list from start to finish.

20. Dead Alive. Never saw it.

19. Darkman. As much as Liam Neeson is the man, I have to say, this is a so-so revenge flick that has faded into utter obscurity. A decent movie, worth a watch, but it won't stay with you and you won't feel the need to see it again when you're done.

18. Event Horizon. Okay, this film is admittedly one of those "love it or hate it" flicks. I happen to love it. It did poorly at the box office, and the critics bashed it upon its release, but it has since grown a cult following. Now, we all know that cults are bad, but when it comes to movies, sometimes they're right. Don't believe me? If it weren't for cults, chances are you would have never heard of The Big Lebowski or Office Space, two incredible movies.

17. The Kingdom. Never saw it.

16. The Descent. This is an excellent, excellent, excellent movie. Neil Marshall, who also directed the great horror flick Dog Soldiers (which should be on this list too), wrote and directed this movie about a team of female spelunkers exploring caves in the Appalachians. Yes, it's a very scary movie, but it's so much more than that, as (oh my god) there is character development and a very interesting exploration of insanity. Make sure to check out the UK ending and compare it to the US ending. See which you like better.

15. Shaun of the Dead. Thank God for this movie, which brought some respectability back to the zombie genre (as did the remake of Dawn of the Dead). This one is both a spoof and an homage to the zombie movie, and it's also a clever rom-com, so it has something for everybody. Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright teamed up again to make Hot Fuzz, the same concept applied to action movies, and it worked beautifully. I hear they're going to make a third movie in the sci-fi genre, to complete what could be one of the best trilogies ever made.

14. Hostel 2. Didn't see it. Hostel was basically just torture porn, and I heard this was more of the same.

13. Misery. Good flick.

12. From Hell. Didn't see it.

11. Planet Terror. To say this was the better film of the Grindhouse experience really isn't saying much. There were a couple of laughs, one or two okay scares, but overall, this one was disappointing.

10. Ringu. I only saw the American remake - which I loved - of this flick starring Naomi Watts, so I can only assume its source material was just as good and probably better.

9. Alien 3. Okay. It pains me to say this, because David Fincher is one of my favorite directors working today (Seven, Zodiac, Fight Club, Benjamin Button), but Alien 3 was a huge letdown after the terrifying brilliance of Alien and the sheer visceral awesomeness that was Aliens. Alien 3 was basically a rehash of the first movie, and way, way, WAY too dark. If you haven't seen it, I won't spoil you with the particulars, but I will metaphorize the first ten minutes of the movie - Imagine you've just been through another chemotherapy treatment. On your way to your car, leaving the hospital, you trip on a crack in the sidewalk, breaking your leg. As you look up, you see a random stranger hovering over you. You think this stranger is going to help you up, but no, HE'S JUST THERE TO KICK YOU IN THE NARDS and steal your money. Yes, my friends, that is what the first ten minutes of Alien 3 feel like. The universe is a terrible, terrible place that will kick you every way it can while you're down. (In all fairness to Fincher, I've heard there was a lot of studio interference, so I don't know who's to blame.)

8. Drag Me To Hell. I've heard good things but haven't seen it.

7. The Sixth Sense. Great movie with great acting and a great twist. It's a shame Shyamalan hasn't gotten better than this, but that's like complaining that Orson Welles's first movie was Citizen Kane. Cinema is better with these movies than without them.

6. What Lies Beneath. Ehhhh. An okay movie, directed by Robert Zemeckis of Back to the Future fame.

5. 28 Weeks Later. Really? This movie made the list, but 28 Days Later, which is vastly superior in just about every way, didn't? There were some major internal logic problems with this film that I couldn't get over, the biggest one being that the zombies were suddenly both intelligent and could hold grudges against certain individuals. No such thing existed in the universe of 28 Days Later.

4. Scream. Okay, this is another great movie. It works on so many different levels: as meta horror, as horror, as comedy, and as a mystery. Very clever, very funny, and very scary.

3. The Blair Witch Project. I fell prey to this movie's clever viral marketing strategy and went in thinking it had been edited from real footage. Yes, I was actually that stupid, but it worked.

2. The Silence of the Lambs. A dark horse that won big at the Oscars. Good flick, but having seen it a couple of times, I don't think I'll ever need to see it again.

1. Audition. Haven't seen it.

So there you have it. Aside from The Silence of the Lambs and The Sixth Sense, none of these movies were nominated by the Academy in any major categories. Now, the Academy doesn't always get it right, and usually doesn't (Gran Torino, anyone?), but the lack of nominations is pretty telling.

Oh, and time for a shameless plug. My better half wrote a post about how Bill & Ted should have visited libraries on their excellent adventure.

Come back in a few days for my Top 5 Sodas of All Time List. You think I'm kidding...

RIP John Hughes

2009-08-07T07:32:00.007-04:00

Writer/director John Hughes passed away this morning at the young age of 59. Over the years, Hughes brought us many great films and had the golden touch between the years of 1984 and 1990. During that time, he wrote and/or directed the following: Sixteen Candles; The Breakfast Club; European Vacation; Pretty in Pink; Weird Science; Ferris Bueller's Day Off; Planes, Trains & Automobiles; Uncle Buck; Christmas Vacation; and Home Alone.

After 1991's Curly Sue, Hughes altogether stopped directing pictures, though he continued to write and produce films that did not ever reach the same level of quality as those listed above.

I think the gross-out comedies with a heart of the last ten years (American Pie, Superbad,etc.) really owe something to Hughes. He created the formula with Sixteen Candles, and for my money, the prototype remains the best example of this subgenre. I have fond memories of this movie, due in no small part to the fact that I was able to see it at a young age because back then the MPAA didn't have a stick up its a-- and gave it a rating of PG, despite the fact there was full front nudity, lots of innuendo, curse words, and adult humor. Ah the good old days.

Sixteen Candles is my favorite Hughes's movie, but Ferris Bueller's Day Off is a very close second. Yes, his comedies are sometimes goofy, but they were always bolstered by a good story with a real plot. They didn't simply move from one comedic set piece to the next. And though I wouldn't attend St. Joe's Prep until 1993, I grew up on these high school 80s flicks and they really informed my teenage years.

____

Hughes became something of a recluse which only added to his mystique and intrigued his loyal fanbase. According to wiki, he "retired from the public eye and moved to Wisconsin" in 1994, in his later years becoming a farmer. Interestingly, he began penning screenplays under the pseudonym "Edmond Dantes," which we all know was the Count of Monte Cristo's real name. Dumas's best story has a lot going for it, including its exploration of the theme of masks we wear as human beings, both literal and metaphorical. It's quite telling that Hughes would select the name Edmond Dantes to serve as his mask when writing.

RIP John Hughes. You will be missed.

Time Capsule Circa June 1997

2009-08-04T00:01:00.001-04:00

Recently, I took a trip down memory lane when I flipped through my high school yearbook from the year of my graduation, 1997. I won't bore you with all the after school special-like tales of my years in high school, i.e. how I was a nerd who was decent at sports and thus didn't fit in with either crowd, how shy I was around the fairer sex, how I was usually the sober guy at all the parties, etc.

What I will do is share with you some of the better messages my classmates inscribed for all of posterity in the yearbook. As discretion is the better part of valor, I have decided to keep these anonymous. All I can say is this: my friends, though often offensive, were pretty damned funny:

-Pass the salt someday. You, Waldo, and me are going to open that Hotel in California...(Note: I was a huge fan of The Eagles, the band, in high school.)

-O'Dork, I really don't like you. Kiss my a--.

-I didn't really see you that much that summer but I wouldn't have been much fun any way because that's when I found out that those AIDS ribbons people wore just were not working.

-But we gotta keep in touch, cause I really wanna see XXXX turn into a crazy alcoholic who doesn't care about grades.

-Yo. What's up. You are a piece of s---. But a good piece of s---.

-P.S. I can kick your a--, always remember that.

-Remember the basement, the undeniable power of Sprite to make everything better, and my infinite number of one week romances.

-Alright dude, here it is...you are the man, plain and simple.

-I'll miss you and your sexy ways. (Note: St. Joseph's Prep was an all-boys school.)

-Always remember, it's okay to play with dolls.

-Thank you for supplying me with gas money throughout the year. Anyway, the Eagles suck, except for Hotel California.

-Copying Latin homework from you was always a highlight in my lunch period.

-I am a slob and no one is going to want to room with me in college.

Thanks for the memories and the laughs, fellas.

Blogs I Follow: Law Librarian To Be

2009-08-03T07:25:00.003-04:00

Jenna, my long-suffering wife, has started her own blog, Law Librarian To Be. Over the past two years, Jenna has been working toward earning her Masters of Library Science (MLS). I don't know how she manages a graduate program in addition to the many, many hours she puts in at the office, but somehow she does and she does it very well. (I won't embarrass her by telling you her GPA.)

But on to her blog. She's required to maintain it for one of her classes, which isn't surprising, especially considering the subject of that class and her first post, which I won't spoil for you here.

Van Damme Can Act!!!

2009-07-29T06:23:00.004-04:00

I caught one of the most original films I've seen in a long while last week on Netflix: JCVD. Directed by French-Algerian Mabrouk El Mechri, this flick is a hybrid of French New Wave cinema, American action flicks, and Dog Day Afternoon. No really, it is. I'm not making this up.

JCVD is about the "Muscles from Brussels," Jean-Claude Van Damme, and the film gets very meta. Van Damme plays himself, and throughout the story his "character" is forced to confront a lot of personal issues that just so happen to reflect real life issues he's faced over the years. Along the way, he becomes ensnared in a hostage situation in a post office and through an unfortunate confluence of events, the police come to believe he is the hostage-taker. The film is alternatively funny, suspenseful, and surprisingly moving at times.

I'll be the first to admit that I always ridiculed Van Damme for his acting, going all the way back to Bloodsport. But he absolutely shines in this. Many will complain that he's just playing himself, but I don't think that's an easy thing to do. In a way, it requires you still to get into character, but it's a character you have a very subjective, and therefore skewed, view of.

Anyways back to Van Damme's acting. No spoilers here, but there is a five minute sequence in the film where he's speaking in French directly to the camera, laying his soul bare, and it really blew me away. With the omniscience of hindsight, I wish they'd just done all his films in French. It frees him up to truly emote, and it gives him a chance to show off his acting chops, which are startlingly good.

The film currently enjoys an 85% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes (no small feat), and an article in TIME Magazine went as far to say that "He (Van Damme) deserves not a black belt, but an Oscar."

It's a good flick that manages to succeed on many levels. I especially loved the opening scene, one long continuous take of an action sequence that leaves our hero breathless and complaining to the director about his age and not being able to do that kind of thing anymore.

They Make People Get A License To Drive A Car...

2009-07-26T07:01:00.004-04:00

...but they can't make you get a license to become a parent.

No, this picture isn't a still capture from Ridley Scott's Alien. (Besides, we all know if I was going to post a picture from that franchise, it'd be from Cameron's Aliens, which is the better film.)

This is, in fact, a picture from an ultrasound performed on the wife last month. Jenna, I'm proud and happy to say, is currently in the eye of the storm, her second trimester, and her expected due date is none other than New Year's Eve.

December 31st might sound like a great birthday, but I feel bad for the kid. Why? Well, my birthday is January 3rd, and every year I was constantly barraged by the "double-gift," i.e. a gift that doubled as my Christmas and birthday presents.

But seriously, we're both ecstatic, and I still haven't quite wrapped my brain around the sheer life-changing enormity of this event.

Promote Whatever You Want On My Blog

2009-07-24T00:01:00.002-04:00

Ladies and gents, it's that time of the month again. The blog has been getting a decent amount of traffic, especially considering I do next to nothing to actually promote it. So, by leaving a comment below, you have a good shot at reaching a new audience.

A brief reminder about the rules:

1) Promote anything you want so long as you
2) Don't promote anything about or for me.

Have at it. I'll leave this post up for a few days, and as always, thanks for stopping by.

Please, No More New Vampire Stories For At Least Two Days

2009-07-21T19:03:00.008-04:00

What is it with our cultural obsession with vampires? For real. Every other book, movie, or TV show I come across is offering us a new take on the story of the vampire.

Please stop. It's been done to death, no pun intended. It's even risen from the dead several times, pun intended. It's even...you get the idea.

As one of my favorite professors, Dr. Daniel Robinson of Widener University, pointed out in class, there is something undeniably sexual about the vampire story. Bram Stoker's seminal work Dracula was written in an age where sex was not openly discussed, thus many writers tackled the subject indirectly, i.e. a vampire wantonly sticks its fangs in damsels in distress, penetrating them, and thus infecting them. Dracula is also interesting for its social commentary - the Old World of Europe is being destroyed by one of its own nobles, the eponymous count, and can't save itself (via Van Helsing) without the assistance of the New World/America (represented by the character Quincy Morris).

But aside from Stoker's novel, as a creature of fantasy, the vampire has enjoyed a great run. Anne Rice has apparently sold over 100 million books (yes, I know not all of them are about vampires). Some argue that the vampire even gave birth to the zombie, via Richard Matheson's excellent story, I Am Legend, which in turn informed George A. Romero when he was making Night of the Living Dead.

According to wiki, "Dracula is a major character in more movies than any other but Sherlock Holmes." Maybe one day someone will wise up and reveal that Holmes is actually a vampire. That would explain the pale complexion, odd hours he keeps, and strange mannerisms.

I'm not saying all this vampire material is bad, just that after awhile it gets to be too much. Buffy the Vampire Slayer and its spinoff Angel...Blades 1, 2, and 3...Underworld...then the TV shows Blood Ties, and True Blood...not to mention any one of numerous fiction titles that have gone on sale in the last few years, including the wildly popular Twilight series.

As the wiki page postulates, the vampire intrigues us because we are fascinated by sex and our own mortality.

Seriously, it's time to think up a new creature, people. After all, writers are supposed to be creative - surely it can't be that hard to concoct something. Anything other than just another blood sucking creature that sleeps by day and preys at night.

____

As an aside, Dr. Robinson is the front man/lead singer for the great indie rock band Milton and the Devils Party out of Philadelphia. MATDP combines pop riffs with literary lyrics. Check them out if you get a chance.

A Loss and A Victory

2009-07-20T06:46:00.007-04:00

Yesterday, Tom Watson broke a lot of hearts when he couldn't get up and down on the 72nd hole at the Open Championship and thereafter went on to lose a four-hole playoff to fellow Yank, Stewart Cink. If Watson had won a major at age 59, it would have been the single greatest victory in the history of the sport. But alas, as Tom himself said in the press room after the tournament, "It would have been a helluva story. But it was not meant to be."

____

But let's not dwell on that loss; rather, let's focus on a glorious victory that occurred this weekend instead: a good friend (who we'll call "Kevin") and I took on and defeated another good friend (who we'll call "Mark") and another friend who I'll call "Nate" in a rousing game of Baseball.

No, not the actual sport of baseball that involves bats, gloves, balls, uniforms that look suspiciously like tights, and lots of tobacco chew.

I'm talking about the drinking game. Baseball is a combination of the more popular beer pong and flip cup. It's a brutal game that rarely advances beyond a few innings because of the sheer amount of alcohol that can be consumed rather quickly. Here's the skinny:

-Four cups are set up in a straight line on both sides of the table. They each represent a base, so if you make it into the nearest cup, you've hit a single. The opposing team would then be required to drink that first cup and refill it. If you make it into the third cup, you've hit a triple, and the opposing team must drink and refill the first, second, and third cups. So if you have a good inning at bat, the other team has to drink a lot.

-If you throw and miss the cups on the other side entirely, that's an out. If you throw and hit the rim of a cup but don't actually make a shot, that's just a strike.

-If you have a man on first or second base, you can attempt to steal. This is where the flip cup part of the game comes into play. To steal, you play a game of one cup flip cup against your opposing team. If you win, you have stolen a base. If you do not win, the other team has picked you off/thrown you out. You cannot steal home base.

-Other than that, it's just like baseball. You get three outs an inning, and you're technically supposed to play nine innings, though that rarely happens.

As the wiki page notes, baseball requires the following skills: aiming, taunting, and alcohol tolerance. Our game unbelievably made it through nine innings, and I'm still not sure how we managed it. "Mark" and "Nate" got off to an early lead, and "Kevin" and myself weren't sure we could continue after the fourth inning. But "Kevin" turned it around for us, at one point hitting six triples in a row over the course of two innings. For my part, I batted so-so but really shined when it came to flip cup.

Dad would be proud.

If you are considering giving this game a try, I'd recommend the following. Use a light beer. Don't be afraid to have more than two players on a team. And, for the love of god, don't shortchange the seventh inning stretch.

How Dare You Ian Poulter!!!

2009-07-15T07:19:00.005-04:00

English golfer Ian Poulter, when interviewed this week about the upcoming Open Championship at Turnberry, referred to the tournament as the "British Open," which is a big no-no.

A bit of background for you non-golfers. The Open Championship, a.k.a. the British Open, is the oldest major tournament in golf, having first been played in 1860. In other words, it was well-established as an important "open" tournament long before the US Open came into existence.

In the UK, and basically everywhere except the United States, for this very reason the tournament is known and referred to as the Open Championship. In the US, golfers tend to call it the British Open, which started off as a harmless way to differentiate it from the US Open.

It seems acceptable for US golfers to do this, though in the past it was frowned upon. But Poulter, born in Hitchin, a town in Hertfordshire, England, ruffled a lot of feathers for referring to the tournament as the British Open, not just once, but five times during an interview. He was later called out on it by another reporter, and he apologized and said it wouldn't happen again.

I'm not sure exactly where I stand on this. Usually, I tend to respect tradition, and I know I'd be annoyed if I held a tournament and people didn't call it by its proper name. But on the other hand, some of this smacks of elitism, i.e. the Open Championship has been around longer, is a more important tournament, and should be held in higher regard than the US Open.

Either way, I'll be tuning in this week to see if Paddy Harrington can do the unthinkable and win his third straight Brit--er, Open Championship.

Optimus Prime Said, "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings."

2009-07-10T07:49:00.005-04:00

If you're very easily bothered by animal cruelty (like I am), STOP reading this post right now. Seek respite from your workday elsewhere...

David Santuomo is a no good son-of-a-bitch that's getting off way too easily. The man and his wife were about to go on vacation and apparently didn't want to spend the money boarding their two mixed breed dogs, Sloopy and Skeeter. So what did he do?

No, he didn't leave them with a friend or family member. No, he couldn't even ask a friend or family member to come over, feed them, and let them out. Oh no, that would have been too much to ask.

Instead, he tied the two dogs to a pipe in his basement, manufactured a homemade silencer using a two-liter plastic bottle, attached said silencer to the end of his rifle, and shot and killed both dogs.

One dog was shot SIX TIMES. Either this guy is a poor marksman, or he was enjoying this.

He then disposed of the remains in a dumpster.

According to this blog post, what's even more outrageous is the fact that two neighbors VOLUNTEERED TO WATCH THE DOGS WHILE THEY WERE AWAY.

As part of a plea deal, this guy was sentenced to 90 days in jail to be served over the course of two years, some fines, and some community service. Bastard got off easy, if you ask me.

____

Speaking of people who got off easy, Michael Vick recently got out of prison. I know, I know, the guy served two years and most think his football career is ruined (it's not, someone is going to pick him up eventually and he'll make more than enough money to forget about his time spent inside), so many believe he's paid his debt to society. I think a more apt sentence would have been for him to serve six years, which is exactly how long he ran the illegal dogfighting operation. Yep, that's right. SIX YEARS.

To think of the pointless suffering all those dogs had to endure, so Vick and co. had something to gamble on is just sickening. Dogs, as we all know, are sentient beings, capable of experiencing pleasure and pain. Any dog owner will tell you they're capable of experiencing sensations more complex than just pleasure and pain too, and anyone capable of purposely putting dogs through that much suffering is morally reprehensible.

As Optimus Prime explained in Transformers, "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings." Crap movie, but decent quote.

Sometimes, Chain E-Mails Are Funny

2009-07-09T13:31:00.005-04:00

I got this one today and had to pass it along. If you're a child of the 80s like me, you'll think this is pretty good:

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....uphill... barefoot...blah, blah, blah...

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice how easy the youth of today have things--

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter, using a pen.

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take a week to get there!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself.

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone.

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent. You had no idea. You had to pick it up and take your chances.

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600. With games like Space Invaders and Asteroids. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination. And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen...forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like life.

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing. You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel because there were no remotes.

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards.

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove!

You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

The Answer, My Friend, Is The Shadow of the Wind

2009-07-06T12:16:00.003-04:00

As noted in my previous post, The Shadow of the Wind is one of those books I recommend without reservation, to family, to friends, and yes, even to complete strangers.

It's a rich, multi-layered novel that is totally engrossing. Written by Carlos Ruiz Zafon in a lavish, at times extravagant style, and reminiscent of the best of 19th century romanticism (wink, wink Victor Hugo), this is one of those stories that you hate to finish.

Peopled by larger-than-life characters, the tale unfolds over the course of several years, as the narrator attempts to locate a mysterious author whose books are being systematically burned and destroyed, so that only a few copies of his works are left.

The influence of Victor Hugo is obvious, and the author doesn't try to hide it. Quite the opposite, in fact. And while certainly Zafon pays homage to Hugo, he still manages to offer something truly unique.

My hat's off to the translator as well, who no doubt took the extremely poetical language of the original text and was able to offer its "equivalent" in English, without turning the story into a melodrama.

___

Zafon also recently released a prequel, The Angel's Game. I'll be reading that one as soon as the wife finishes, which won't be long, as she's a natural speed reader.

MacGuffin Trivia

2009-07-01T18:44:00.006-04:00

The MacGuffin, a phrase coined by Alfred Hitchcock, is a cinematic device that appears most commonly in suspense thrillers or action movies. Basically, its sole purpose is to drive the narrative forward by giving the characters something to care about, kill for, or die for. It can be an object, event, or thing that is of great importance during the first act. Ultimately, however, the MacGuffin itself is often meaningless - it really could be anything.

But you all probably knew that already, so let's have some fun today. Can you name the movies in which the following MacGuffins appear?

-The Sankara Stones
-The Process
-The Rabbit's Foot
-Letters of Transit
-The Holy Grail
-Rosebud
-The Case***(No, I'm not thinking of Pulp Fiction here)

*** My favorite example of a MacGuffin is "The Case." In this particular movie, the screenwriter is being a bit devious by making the MacGuffin ultimately meaningless, not just from the audience's perspective, but also WITHIN the context of the story. As it turns out, The Case may or may not contain anything. The protagonist was never even interested in it. It's a great turn of events and one of the things that elevates this particular movie above the standard action thriller. That, my friends, is the ultimate MacGuffin, and also a pretty cool play on the concept.

Beware of SPOILERS if you read any of the comments to this post.

17 Reasons Why You Need To See Lawrence of Arabia

2009-06-30T06:56:00.012-04:00

Greatest movie of all time, and here's a bunch of reasons why. Most of this has been taken from either IMDb or Wiki:

1) Almost all movement in the film goes from left to right. David Lean said he did this to emphasize that the film was a journey. (See Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, and you will notice that the "good guys" at the end of the film are moving from right to left when attacking the Separatist army. This was done purposely.)

2) They named a lens after David Lean because they figured out a way to film a close-up of a mirage for this movie. To film Omar Sharif's entrance through a mirage, Freddie Young used a special 482mm lens from Panavision. Panavision still has this lens, and it is known among cinematographers as the "David Lean lens." Check out the scene HERE.

3) During an appearance on "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" (1962) in the 1970s, Peter O'Toole was describing just how long the movie took to make by referring to the scene when Lawrence and Gen. Allenby, after their meeting, continue talking while walking down a staircase. According to O'Toole, part of the scene had to be reshot much later, "so in the final print, when I get to the bottom of the stairs, I'm a year older than I was when I started walking down them."

4) The rescue of Gasim from the Nefu Desert, followed shortly by the greatest line of all time: "Nothing is written."

5) Shooting began on 15 May, 1961 and ended on 20 October, 1962.

6) The use of the locations in Almería, Spain for the train sequences and others made that region popular with international film makers. Most famously, it became the setting of virtually all of the Spaghetti Westerns of the '60s and '70s, specifically those of Sergio Leone. (Watch The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly for the scene where Tuco forces Blondie to walk through the desert.)

7) Steven Spielberg considers this his favorite movie of all time, and the one which convinced him to become a film maker.

8) Screenwriter William Monahan, who scripted Kingdom of Heaven and The Departed is a fan of Robert Bolt and has stated on numerous occasions that viewing Lawrence is what inspired him to be a screenwriter. When he was awarded the Oscar for his work on The Departed, he remarked how great it was to win with Peter O'Toole in the audience, because Lawrence of Arabia was the greatest screenplay he'd ever read.

9) Perhaps the second most famous (I myself prefer it to the one from 2001) match cut comes from Lawrence of Arabia where an edit cuts together Lawrence blowing out a match with the desert sun rising from the horizon. Director David Lean credits inspiration for the edit to the experimental French New Wave. The edit was later praised by Steven Spielberg as inspiration for his own work. Watch it HERE.

10) "Who are you?"

11) Back to Spielberg: David Lean once screened Lawrence of Arabia with Steven Spielberg. Lean gave Spielberg a "live director's commentary." Spielberg said it was one of the best moments of his life, learning from a true master. Consequently, Spielberg stated that it helped him make better pictures and that commentary directly influenced every movie he has made since.

12) It's an epic that ends on a downbeat.

13) TE Lawrence is considered by many historians to be a somewhat enigmatic figure. Instead of doing the typical Hollywood thing, the creators of the film did not give us an explanation so much as a riddle to puzzle over. Producer Sam Spiegel once explained that the purpose behind the movie was not to solve the mystery of who Lawrence of Arabia was, but rather to perpetuate it.

14) The score. RIP Maurice Jarre.

15) The raid on Aqaba.

16) "No prisoners!"

17) Though it deals with philosophy, politics, religion, World War I, and foreign policy - and deals with all these things wonderfully - the film essentially boils down to one thing: the question of personal identity.

Why Golf Is The Greatest Game Ever Played

2009-06-26T06:44:00.003-04:00

I can't take credit for this list, but it was too good not to post. Special thanks to Rongo Jugataris for this one.

1) The PGA doesn't have some of its golfers in jail every week.

2) Golfers don't throw bottles at or kick dirt on other people.

3) Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well they play.

4) Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.

5) Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.

6) Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.

7) When golfers make mistakes, no one is there to cover for them or back them.

8) The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 season than the NFL does in 2 seasons.

9) You can watch the best golfers in the world, up close, at any tournament including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30. (I'm a bit skeptical about this price, but I'm too lazy to do any research this morning.)

10) Even in the nose bleed sections, a ticket to the Super Bowl will cost you over $300 to $1000 from a scalper.

11) In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make 9 million dollars a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.

12) Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood.

13) And best of all, here's why golf courses have 18 holes, instead of 10 or 20: During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.

Here's my two cents:

-Golf is the only game where there are no referees, officials, or umpires. Players are expected to, and always do, call penalties on themselves.

-Golf is one of the few remaining sports that demands players be both gracious in defeat and humble in victory.

Promote Whatever You Want On My Blog

2009-06-23T08:01:00.003-04:00

I dropped the ball on this last month, but I would like to keep this going. So, a reminder about the rules:

1) Promote whatever you want by leaving a comment.
2) You cannot, under any circumstances, promote anything for me.

I'll leave this post up for the next few days. Don't be shy if you haven't commented on this blog before - this is a great way to reach a new audience, even if it's only a drive-by commenting.
____

I'm promoting the kick-ass thriller, Fifty Grand, by Adrian McKinty. I will be posting a joint review on this book shortly, but for now, I'll say this: it's a great story that really moves.

Who Pulled The Stake Out of Duval's Heart?

2009-06-21T21:17:00.003-04:00

The US Open has been plagued by bad weather this year, but it has suffered from no shortage of great stories. My personal favorite is that of David Duval's possible return to form.

Duval, until he practically fell off the face of the earth during the 2003 season, was my favorite pro golfer for several years. I loved how he went about his business on the golf course: the guy was more stoic than Hemingway's eponymous Old Man. He never bought into being a celebrity, and didn't really care to be one, either. Blessed with one of the most rhythmic swings on tour, Duval became one of three pro golfers to shoot a 59 - yes, a 59 - in competition, and he did so in the final round of the Bob Hope Classic ten years ago by eagling the 18th hole to win.

He dethroned Tiger Woods as the world's number one player for a time, and he quickly earned the dubious distinction of being the best player never to have won a major. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride seemed to be his cruel fate in major after major. That is, until, he captured the Claret Jug by winning the Open Championship in 2001. I'll never forget that tournament. I was living down the Jersey shore for the summer with a couple of buddies and it just so happened I had the place to myself when Duval figured out a way to win while not even playing his best golf.

And then, as they say on every E True Hollywood Story, tragedy struck.

Some say it was the swing. Some say it was physical injuries. Some say it was a form of vertigo. Some say it was personal troubles. Who knows why, and even Duval himself might now know why, but for whatever reason or reasons, he lost his game. As the oft-repeated saying goes, you never own the game of golf; at best, you only borrow it for a short time.

He'd played a cut swing for most of his career, one that was so finely tuned he'd all but taken the left side of the golf course out of play. But suddenly he was hitting hooks and couldn't find a fairway. His motivation and his competitiveness, right around the same time, left him. He struggled. Every once in awhile, he would show flashes of brilliance, popping back up on the radar screen just long enough to make us wonder. But he couldn't seem to break through.

And that's why it's so exciting to see he's currently tied for third at the US Open, with sixteen holes left to play. This isn't a flash in the pan, play well for 18 holes sort of thing. Duval has put in a wonderful performance at one of the toughest venues out there: Bethpage Black. Though he's five shots behind the leaders, it IS the US Open, so anything can happen, especially at a course known to wreak havoc. It would be the golf story of the year if he were to win.

Three Good Scenes And No Bad Ones

2009-06-18T06:49:00.007-04:00

Howard Hawks gets my vote for the most versatile director of all time. The man could direct anything. Comedy, noir, horror/sci-fi, and Westerns. Sure, many other directors have worked in several genres, but Hawks's contribution to every genre is incredible. Consider this:

-His Girl Friday is considered by many to be the quintessential screwball comedy.

-The Big Sleep. It's either this or The Maltese Falcon that's the best hard-boiled detective/film noir movie ever made.

-I'm partial to Rio Bravo, but Hawks also directed Red River. Two of the finest Westerns ever made. If you've never seen Rio Bravo, just watch the first five minutes - it's one of the best openings to any movie I've ever seen. There's literally no dialogue for most of it, yet we learn everything we need to about the characters, and we feel like we absolutely have to keep watching the film to see what happens to them.

-Let's not forget that he was largely responsible for The Thing. He's listed as producer, but apparently he oversaw most of the production and some claim he took over as director halfway through filming. The Thing is the perfect blend of old school sci-fi and horror.

-He also directed Sergeant York and To Have and Have Not.

The title of the post refers to Hawks's belief that, in order to make a good film, all you needed was "three good scenes, and no bad ones." That may be true, but most of his movies contain three great scenes and many, many good ones. It just doesn't get any better than when Margaret Sheridan opens the door and The Thing is standing right there; than when Dean Martin and Ricky Nelson pass the time between shoot-outs by singing a couple of tunes; or than when Bogart and Bacall...basically do anything together.

Buy Rita's Book!!!!

2009-06-16T07:08:00.003-04:00

My good friend, Rita Vetere, had cause to celebrate yesterday: her second e-book, Born of Darkness, was released through Lyrical Press.

Here's the blurb:

"There's no escaping black karma, even for immortals.

Meet Jasmine Fairchild, outrageously gorgeous and extremely persuasive -- unnaturally so. Jasmine is a Cambion, part mortal, part succubus.

Enter Ahriman, an ancient and evil incubus. For centuries, he has exploited the secrets of reincarnation to reach his goal of immortality and the eradication of humanity. All he needs now is a portal, an opportunity...and Jasmine.

She stands alone as the only force powerful enough to immortalize or destroy him, and her dual nature makes Ahriman's task a little tougher than he thought..."

Rita is a great writer and, more importantly, just a wonderful person. Here's a link to an excerpt from Born of Darkness. Check it out if you get a chance.

I've Been Tagged

2009-06-14T17:45:00.004-04:00

Those of you who know me well know I don't like to talk about myself. Perhaps that's why I sometimes struggle to come up with material for this blog. Today I am going to write about myself a little bit, but I have a good excuse: I was tagged to do this 4X4 meme by the notorious Seana Graham. I've tweaked it a little bit as you'll see.

Four golf courses I'd like to play:

1. Augusta

2. Pebble Beach

3. Pine Valley

4. TPC Sawgrass

My four favorite Westerns are:

1. The Searchers

2. Rio Bravo

3a. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

3b. Once Upon a Time in the West

4. Unforgiven

PS - When will we see a revival of this genre? I hope soon. It is one of America's greatest contributions to the cinema.

Four books that I recommend to friends, family, and strangers:

1. Dead I Well May Be

2. The Shadow of the Wind

3. Noble House

4. Bernard Cornwell's take on Arthurian Legend

Four reasons why The Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie ever made:

1. George Lucas didn't direct it.

2. George Lucas didn't write the screenplay.

3. No Ewoks, Jar Jar Binks, or bad dialogue.

4. "No, I am your father."

Four languages I studied in high school:

1. English (yeah, it counts)

2. French

3. Latin

4. Greek

And no, I don't really remember any French, Latin, or Greek, and even English is a struggle these days.

Four stories I want to write before I die:

1. Screenplay for a biopic on Caravaggio

2. Sci-fi western set on Mars

3. A book that makes money

4. Screenplay for a sequel to this year's Star Trek

Four people I'm tagging to do this as well

1. Jenna O'Rourke

2. Nate Green

3. Nicklas Hughes

4. Matt Damon

Keep Passing The Tapes

2009-06-11T13:22:00.006-04:00

When the subject of favorite TV show inevitably comes up at cocktail parties (has anyone actually been to a cocktail party in the last twenty years?) or in annoying Facebook copy and paste lists, most people rattle off the standard answers: Seinfeld, The Simpsons, MASH, The Cosby Show, I Love Lucy, The Honeymooners, Friends, Star Trek, etc.

My answer is not so standard, though I do have one of the most loyal cult followings to back me up here. My favorite TV show of all time is none other than Mystery Science Theater 3000.

There's a good chance you've never heard of it. That's okay, because you still probably know what it is. If you've ever seen or heard about "that show where three guys watch and make fun of appallingly bad movies," then you know what I'm talking about.

MST3K was created by Joel Hodgson (who also starred) and enjoyed a decade long run on various channels, beginning life on public access TV in Minnesota. From there, it spent several years on Comedy Central and ended its run on the Sci-Fi Channel. About halfway through the series, Joel Hodgson left, and Mike Nelson, the head writer, took his place on the Satellite of Love as the man trapped in space forced to watch bad movies.

Yes, for literally ten years, all these guys did was make fun of bad movies. The premise: a guy is shot into space by an evil mad scientist, builds a couple of robots for company, and is forced to watch terrible movies as part of an experiment.

Admittedly, the show had its low points. The creators themselves will be the first to say it took them a few seasons to really get what they were doing and perfect it. And then there were times when the movies they were watching were so bad (Manos: The Hands of Fate to name one), they literally couldn't do anything with the material.

If you've never seen the show, I recommend starting out with one of these episodes:

-Pod People
-Future War
-Time Chasers

The title of my post refers to a line that appeared in the end credits of the show. MST3K enjoyed a huge cult following, and it became customary for die-hard fans of the show to tape an episode and pass it along to people who had never tuned in before. The creators heard about this and actually encouraged it to entice new viewers, because the show, like many good ones, was always a stone's throw away from the gallows.

HarperCollins To Release Two More Books From Michael Crichton

2009-06-08T21:38:00.003-04:00

Today was the first time I went back to Michael Crichton's website since his passing, and I was treated to some great news. HarperCollins plans to release two more books by him. One of them was discovered in his files, while the other one will be developed from his notes and files.

I was truly saddened by the loss of this man, so this is indeed great news.

I Need A Primer on....Primer

2009-06-05T21:24:00.004-04:00

Netflix has this great feature called Play Now for some of the films in its ginormous library, which is large enough to impress even the likes of Burgess Meredith without his glasses. Anyway, based upon several recommendations, including one from my alter ego/son, Nicklas Hughes, I watched the film Primer through Netflix on my computer. I felt wonderfully high-tech and hip while doing it, which means I am neither.

The opening scene of Primer sucked me right in, and the hyperrealistic dialogue, as un-understandable as it was, had me reeling in a good way. Basically, the film follows two friends, who are amateur inventors looking to make the next big discovery, when they realize (SPOILER ALERT - YOU'VE BEEN WARNED) the anti-gravity machine they've constructed also doubles as a time machine of sorts.

The film moves well and has an uneasiness permeating every scene. You keep waiting for that inevitable disaster to happen, and it does....or at least I think it does.

You see, once the third act began, I couldn't follow a damned thing that was going on in the movie. This is to be expected somewhat when you're dealing with time travel, paradoxes, multiverses (?), etc., and especially when the story is about two engineers speaking in jargon the entire time. But alas, I couldn't piece together what was happening at the end, and not even a little quality time on the IMDb forums was much of a help. To sum up, here's what I read about the movie:

a) It requires multiple viewings. And even then, you still might not get it.
b) Many, many things are left unexplained.
c) No one can actually agree what is going on in the film.

Now I for one enjoy a lively debate about a movie as much as the next guy, but when the confusion reaches a certain point and when there is so much left up to the viewer to decide, I think a story has lost all meaning and worse, any sense of purpose. I'm not talking about a "Lady or the Tiger" scenario, I'm talking about where you just have no effing clue what is going on in a story, and even the people who praise the story don't seem to know much more than you do about it.

So, where's the line between complex, mysterious, thoughtful and subjective meaninglessness for you?

All that being said, I do recommend Primer because it is well-filmed, moves quickly, and was shot for a ridiculously low amount of money. It goes to show that creativity can triumph over low budgets and limited resources. My hat's off to Shane Carruth, the writer/director. I'd love to see more movies from this guy.

Join Rita's Monthly Chat: June 8th at 8:00 PM EST

2009-06-03T12:32:00.005-04:00

All are welcome to join Rita Vetere's monthly chat, being held on June 8th at 8:00 PM EST. This time around, SW Vaughn and Denise K. Rago are Rita's guests. As per usual, there will be prizes, including:

-A copy of SW Vauhgn's Hunted
-$10 gift certificate to Lyrical Press's bookstore

And, Rita will give away an ADVANCE COPY of her upcoming novel, Born of Darkness! So come one, come all. Rita's chats are always a good time.

Why Are We Even Arguing?

2009-06-01T17:04:00.006-04:00

After the Cleveland Cavaliers' loss to the Orlando Magic in the NBA Eastern Conference Finals, LeBron James walked off the court without congratulating any of the Magic players or coaching staff on their victory. There is now a debate raging in the sports world as to whether King James committed an athletic faux pas.

That there is even a debate speaks volumes about the current level of professional sports. This is one of the very first things we teach kids when they start to compete - you always, always, always shake your opponent's hand after the game, win, lose, or draw. (Of course, if your opponent plays dirty or disrespects you during the course of the game, then all bets are off, but that wasn't the case here.)

If this had happened at the end of any golf tournament, the golfer who shunned his opponent after the final round would be universally condemned, no ifs, ands, or buts. Yet another reason why golf is my favorite sport.

Now, I don't want to give the impression that I'm hating on LeBron. He's a gifted athlete, and when all is said and done he'll be known as one of the best basketball players in history. But even more importantly he's a nice guy, who usually brings a lot of class to a sport where class is in short supply. His emotions got the better of him in this case, and I can certainly understand that. What bothers me is the fact that there's even a debate about this. He should have shaken his opponents' hands after the game, end of story. And everybody knows it. Or at least I hope they do.

Get Out Of My Face, Theater

2009-05-31T08:41:00.006-04:00

Last night, the wife and I saw Conor McPherson's The Seafarer, a play set in one room that takes place mostly on Christmas Eve. We saw it at the Arden Theatre, which is a great intimate venue in Philadelphia.

The Seafarer is really a simple story of men fighting their demons, both metaphorically and literally. I was impressed by how well McPherson's writing managed to inject laugh-out-loud humor into a play that was at times a very dark meditation on life.

The five actors all turned in wonderful performances too - Joe Hickey, Anthony Lawton, Brian Russell, Greg Wood, and William Zielinski - so I recommend the play itself and the actors without reservation. It really was a treat to see a well-written, well-acted play, something I don't do enough of.

____

The title of my post is a poor play on words, referring to In-Yer-Face Theatre, a phrase used to describe "young playwrights who present vulgar, shocking, and confrontational material on stage as a means of involving and affecting their audience." There's nothing vulgar about McPherson's writing, unless you find the f word objectionable, but the material is confrontational and at times shocking.

If you'd like to learn more about Conor McPherson, check out this interview. If great actors like Ciaran Hinds are drawn to McPherson's material, he must be doing something right.

Dethroned

2009-05-27T20:38:00.003-04:00

Congratulations to Lesli Richardson, as her book Good Will Ghost Hunting: Demon Seed just became Lyrical Press's number one mainstream bestseller. Demon Seed is the first of five books in the series.

Here's the blurb for Demon Seed:

Kalyani Martin is a virgin and has every intention of staying that way despite the overwhelming attraction she feels for the co-host of Otherworlds, her new ghost hunting show.

Devastated by the loss of his wife twenty-five years ago, Will Hellenboek is waiting to die. An archdemon, he bides his time co-hosting Otherworlds with his cousin, Aidan. His instant attraction to Kalyani is simply unacceptable to him. His only goal in life is his death, not sex. And certainly not love.

Ryan Ausar protects Earth from anything that would usurp man's free will. His job becomes much harder when his strongest archdemon stubbornly refuses to come back to work.

When lives are on the line, Kalyani, Will and Ryan must make the choice to give up what they hold most dear. Can Kalyani turn her back on the known world and find a little heaven on Earth in the arms of an archdemon?

____

The Unearthed enjoyed a nice run atop Lyrical's Mainstream Bestseller List for two months. I'd like to thank those who read it. If you haven't had a chance yet, check it out and see if it might be your thing.

Thank You, Critics

2009-05-25T19:15:00.003-04:00

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the critics for panning Terminator Salvation. I'm being serious. I went in to the film with lowered expectations, and as a result...I absolutely loved it.

On Rotten Tomatoes, TS has only a 35% rating at the time of this post. Nearly all the reviews I've read, including Ebert's, have slammed this movie, or worst, damned it with faint praise.

The story is not without its hiccups, but on the whole, it's a well-produced, well-filmed, action-filled joy ride from start to finish. Sam Worthington steals the show as Marcus Wright, and I never thought I'd say this, but Anton Yelchin is excellent as Kyle Reese. The not-so-invisible hand of Christian Bale unfortunately left a few marks on the script, but it's a better movie with Bale-man in it than not in it.

I'm not going to ruin the movie for you, but I will say this: the critics universally called this one wrong. It's a good movie, borderline great, and has an intelligent plot with zero fat on it. There are some nice turns, especially the dramatic reversal that occurs during the climax of the film. If you're a Terminator fan, you owe it to yourself to see this movie.

Memorial Day

2009-05-24T06:50:00.004-04:00

I sometimes think I should have gone to war. Every generation before me did and seemed to treat it as a rite of passage. My maternal grandfather flew in the Army Air Corps, my paternal grandfather fought under Patton, and Dad was a Marine in Vietnam from 1965 to 1967.

The only war I've seen is that which rages at law school: blowhard egomaniacs trying to prove each other wrong on some obscure and ultimately meaningless point of law.

The notion that "men go to war" seems the product of a bygone era. Of course, I don't know if that's how people felt 90 or 70 years ago, I'm just making an uneducated guess based on all the old movies I've seen. And certainly by the end of the Vietnam War, it seemed like people no longer thought this way.

Granddad didn't speak a whole lot about flying all those missions in the Army Air Corps. And Dad doesn't talk about Vietnam much. To them, it was just one of those things they did. Almost as if these were things expected of them.

___

Today, most people treat Memorial Day as just part of a long weekend that signifies the start of beach season as opposed to a day to commemorate the men and women who died while serving. I can't condemn too harshly here, because I've done this myself. And though writing a blog post about Memorial Day is a feeble thing, I did want to take this opportunity to thank all the men and women who have ever put on a uniform. You have done this country a great service.

Kidd Chris Returns Next Week...Sort Of

2009-05-22T11:08:00.004-04:00

For you Philadelphians that follow this blog, check out Kidd Chris's web site. Apparently, Kidd is on a comeback and will be doing a show over the Internet beginning May 26, 2009.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Kidd Chris Show, they were taken off the air just over a year ago when one of his regular guests, Lady Gash, played one of her more racist songs over the air waves. Here's a link to a news article about the firing, and embedded in the article is a link to the You Tube clip with the song. DO NOT listen to it if you are easily, or even not-so-easily, offended.

I miss the Kidd Chris Show because it was so unlike the other morning zoo shows out there. The comedy was no-holds barred, nothing is sacred, sort of stuff, and the rogues gallery of guests was great. Sure they went too far on many occasions, but that's what I liked about them. Being un-PC was their sacred calling.

Situational Attribution

2009-05-20T11:04:00.005-04:00

I've finally figured it out! For years this has bothered me.

For some reason, whenever my wife has a girls weekend with her friends from college, she tends to imbibe more than when the two of us meet up with friends and hang out. I'm not saying she's a drunken mess when she's not around me, just that she's a little more indulgent.

Fellow married men, you may have experienced much the same. If you're like me and wondering why this happens, here's your answer: situational attribution.

The best example of this psychological concept is the notorious Stanford Prison Experiment. Here's the skinny. 24 undergrads were selected to participate as either guards or convicts. Over the course of just six days, they resided in a mock prison. The test subjects were chosen for their lack of psychological issues, history of crime, etc. And the results were...shocking to say the least. I won't ruin it for you. Check out the wiki article if you get a minute.

But back to my wife. It's probably not so much situational attribution in our case. It probably has more to do with my quest to destroy my liver and her attempts to balance our social act with reasonable moderation.

Love you, dear. I'll make sure to sleep on the couch tonight.

First Celebrity Fatality From Swine Flu

2009-05-18T20:11:00.002-04:00

I can't take credit for this, but it was too funny not to post. Special thanks to Rongo Jugataris for the pic.

One Of My Favorite Screenwriters Is...Scott Frank?

2009-05-18T10:54:00.004-04:00

I love when this happens. You watch a movie, like it enough to look it up on IMDb, and see a name attached to it that sounds vaguely familiar. You click on the name and discover that this person has been involved with several other movies you really enjoyed.

This weekend, the wife and I revisited Dead Again, an overlooked and underrated movie from the early 90s starring Kenneth Branagh and Emma Thompson, back when the pair were still an item. The story follows Branagh as an LA private eye helping out Thompson, a woman suffering from amnesia and horrific nightmares that always end the same way: with a pair of old-fashioned scissors about to be plunged into her torso. The story is entertaining, literate, and has arguably two fantastic twists toward the end. It also features Branagh's personal idol, Derek Jacobi, Andy Garcia, and (Shhh, don't tell anyone because his name does not appear in the credits) Robin Williams in a terrific little role that foreshadowed his later work in Insomnia and One Hour Photo. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it because it's an interesting take on the detective story, and it's really well-filmed. (SPOILER ALERT) I especially love how the climaxes of both plotlines are intercut at the end of the film. Just don't take the ridiculously over-the-top death of the villain at the end too seriously (END OF SPOILER ALERT).

Anyways, I've always thought Dead Again was a well-written and very creative story, so after we watched it I did some snooping on IMDb. I saw that Scott Frank penned the screenplay, so I clicked on his name and made one of those great discoveries: I've really enjoyed a lot of this guy's stories.

It turns out Mr. Frank also wrote the screenplay for Get Shorty, Out of Sight, Minority Report!!!, The Interpreter, and...wait for it...The Lookout!

If you haven't heard of The Lookout, this one is worth checking out. It's a neo-noir set in the Midwest starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a former high school star athlete suffering from a brain injury that prevents him from remembering things for extended periods of time, who gets swept up in a bank heist. It's well-acted, and the plot is tight and well-executed. Not to mention, this was also Scott Frank's directorial debut, and he does a marvelous job.

So yes, I can honestly say that Scott Frank is now one of my favorite screenwriters. Check out Dead Again and The Lookout if you get a chance.

Writer's Blog

2009-05-11T20:32:00.004-04:00

Warning: This post contains elements of self-indulgence, so if you're easily offended by this, stop reading now.

I have writer's blog. I was so excited when I thought up this term during my car ride this evening, thinking I had coined a clever if somewhat obvious phrase, but apparently, it's a common enough term to have found its way into the unholy of unholies, the urban dictionary.

For the last couple of weeks, I've had trouble coming up with things to blog about. I have only one rule when blogging: write about whatever I want so long as it isn't self-indulgent, look how great I am/woe is me crap. So I know I've hit rock bottom when I break the one rule I've set for myself.

How do bloggers combat this fairly common occurrence?

Some of my favorite bloggers have an overarching theme to their blog. My good friend, Nate Green, explores the nuances and oddities of language in fiction and in marketing in his blog, 500 Words on Words. Peter Rozovsky somehow manages to be prolific and accessibly esoteric with his wonderful blog, Detectives Beyond Borders.

Speaking of prolific, Seana Graham manages four of her own blogs, each one with its one motif, while also being a frequent contributor to many other blogs.

On the other hand, Adrian McKinty blogs about the "psychopathology of everyday life," to steal his turn of phrase, which is a pretty big umbrella covering just about anything and everything.

So yeah, I may take a week or so off from the blog to recharge and think up something more intelligent than "writing about the practices of other bloggers." See you soon. I hope.

Cinderella Story...

2009-05-08T16:00:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow will be the second of two rounds of golf I've played in the last two years. It's going to be ugly...

I've gone to the range a few times this year and managed not to hit any shanks. Yet. I'm tempting fate by even writing that word, "shanks," but I'm not a superstitious moron, as I've explained before.

I'm hoping to shoot in the mid-80s. That's a reasonable number given the course I'm playing and the state of my game. At least they sell beer on the course, so if it's not looking good I can purchase some "aiming oil."

But if you want the real Cinderella Story, click here.

That's Alright, He Always Wanted To Be Captain USA...

2009-05-06T17:12:00.005-04:00

RIP Dom DeLuise, you will be missed. So it looks like ole Burt and Dom won't reunite for another Cannonball Run flick. Well, okay, that was never going to happen anyway, but I must say I have a rather unhealthy affection for these two Hal Needham movies, especially the first, which features a great cast including Dino and Sammy Davis, Roger Moore parodying himself, and Jackie Chan Subaru Driver.

These two movies definitely qualify as '80s flicks: ridiculous premise, characters very broadly drawn, and loads of mindless fun that yes, does get stupidly silly sometimes. Still, though, this is the Burt and Dom show, and it brings back a lot of fond memories from childhood, most of which I spent watching HBO.

And nobody beats Captain Chaos/Captain USA.

I'll Pass On The Beer Pong; I Didn't Bring My Kevlar

2009-05-05T08:25:00.003-04:00

Competitive endeavors tend to bring out the best and the worst in man. On the one hand, you get teamwork, class, and athleticism that is beautiful to behold, like the Boston Celtics' unbelievable run between 1957 - 1969 and the Bulls' dynasty of the '90s which was briefly interrupted by Jordan's first of many retirements. On the other hand, you get soccer riots, players with egos large enough to have their own gravitational pulls, and fans that resort to the worst kind of mob mentality creating and almost relishing in that utterly pointless us v. them mindset.

But who could have thought a harmless game like beer pong could end like this? Now I understand that combining competition and alcohol is probably not the best idea, but what the hell kind of argument over beer pong could end in a fatal shooting?

The Best Rejection I've Ever Received

2009-05-02T08:08:00.004-04:00

This is not a tongue-in-cheek post. My sincere thanks to Uwe Stender of TriadaUS, a literary agency located in Pittsburgh, PA, for giving me the best rejection I've ever received.

I sent an e-query to Dr. Stender regarding my suspense thriller, Face Blind, on April 22, 2009. That same day, Dr. Stender asked me to send a hard copy of the full manuscript. Very excited, I sent it via regular mail the next day, April 23, 2009.

I opened the mail yesterday, May 1st, and sadly found one of those self-addressed stamped envelopes we writers are all too familiar with. Dr. Stender had returned my cover letter, but had also actually taken the time to write a personal note explaining why he'd rejected the story.

That Dr. Stender was able to respond so quickly while taking the time to explain his rationale is mind-boggling. Most agencies or publishers take weeks, usually months, to respond, and even when they do, it's in the guise of a form letter with no feedback whatsoever.

So, my sincerest thanks to Dr. Stender, a true professional. I hope perhaps someday we can work together, assuming I don't land a different agent before then.
____

I'd also like to thank Debbie Carter of Muse Literary--she too rejected my last two manuscripts, but she did so very quickly and even gave me some feedback on why she was passing.

Rita's Monthly Chat!!!

2009-05-01T16:14:00.003-04:00

My good friend Rita Vetere is hosting her monthly chat this Monday starting at 8:00 PM EST. This month, Cindy Jacks and Sean Cummings are her featured guests. If history is any indication, it will be a great time!

Please stop by on Monday, May 4th at 8:00 PM EST for the festivities. You won't be disappointed.

Who Should I Dress Up As?

2009-04-29T08:26:00.004-04:00

I know I'm tempting the green-eyed monster by writing this, but I have to make this announcement: I'm going to the "Philadelphia" Premiere of Star Trek on May 2, 2009. (Philadelphia is in quotes here, because the premiere is actually being held in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, which is very close to my home town of Marlton.)

I'm very excited to see this movie, as anyone who has had the misfortune of reading this blog on a regular basis already knows. I'm even more excited I don't have to wait until May 8th to see it on the big screen.

I've been to two premieres/advance screenings before, and I must say, it is an entirely different experience than regular movie-going. The audience attending the premiere consists of people rabidly excited to see the film. The theater has a charged atmosphere about it, and you don't have to worry about any ignorant a--holes talking on cell phones, being obnoxious, or otherwise ruining a cinematic moment for you. Just the opposite, in fact.

My wife and I were lucky enough to see Shaun of the Dead at an advance screening. Every seat was filled, everyone clapped at the beginning and the end, and one out of every two was dressed up as a zombie.

So, in keeping with the customs of the movie premiere, my question is this: who should I dress up as?

a) Captain Kirk (with a rug, of course)

b) Khan (with a fake He-Man chest, of course)

c) Spock (with fake ears of course)

d) Uhura

e) A Jedi Knight (to piss off the Trekkies, Trekkers, and Borg that show up)

f) Other

Tell me what you think by leaving a comment. Live long and prosper.

____

Special thanks to my sweet mother-in-law, Helene, for winning the tickets by listening to Oldies 98. We love going to the movies together.

You Need To Read...

2009-04-27T06:35:00.002-04:00

The Unearthed, according to You Gotta Read Reviews.

Lupa at You Gotta Read wrote a nice review of TU. While I don't agree that the book starts off slow, it is always good to hear someone's honest opinion on one's fiction--it's the only way to improve as a writer.

Happy Birthday Danny Noonan

2009-04-24T13:36:00.003-04:00

Remember that guy that played Ty Webb's (Chevy Chase) caddy in Caddyshack? Yep, today's his 54th freakin birthday!

Caddyshack just might be the most overquoted movie of all time, but here we go anyway:

"So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish eighteen, and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."

Laugh Out Loud Humor In Fiction

2009-04-23T07:10:00.008-04:00

Humor is tough to pull off in a novel. At least to me, it seems to be tougher to elicit a reaction from a reader than from a live audience when it comes to comedy. Very rarely have authors made me break into laughter; usually, humor in a novel produces the occasional smile.

On rare occasions, I will catch myself actually laughing out loud at a book. Usually, it takes a witty, somewhat ironic first person narrator to draw out this kind of response from me. Perhaps that says more about my own sense of humor than anything else.

Here are a few examples of books that have made me laugh out loud...

Nelson DeMille is excellent with humor, especially in the book Plum Island.

Paul Neilan wrote Apathy and Other Small Victories, which is sort of like Office Space as told by a raging nihilist. Paul's blog, though it hasn't been updated in awhile, gives you a feel for his humor, which definitely is not for everyone.

I only very recently came across Colin Bateman, who unfortunately is not that well-known in the US, but who is huge in the UK. I'm currently reading his debut novel, Divorcing Jack, and it's absolutely hysterical. Reading in bed the other night, my laughter woke my wife when I came across this little gem of a passage:

"We made love on the floor. It was nice. We had a bit of an argument about the lack of a condom. I volunteered to use my sock. She thought that idea was a) disgusting; b) stupid. Socks weren't watertight, or whatever. She said, "You wear a sock, not only will I have a baby, it'll come out wearing a bloody jumper." We compromised on my withdrawal.

I didn't. We British don't withdraw from Ireland."

Promote, Promote, Promote

2009-04-20T17:00:00.002-04:00

Here we go with Round 2. Everybody had a lot of fun with this last month, so let's see if we can top it this month.

Promote whatever you want by leaving however many comments you'd like.

There is only one rule:

You can't promote anything for me.

I'll leave this post up for a couple of days.

This Man Listened to His Wife

2009-04-19T07:34:00.006-04:00

I don't read much sci-fi, but in the last year I've read several novels by Jack McDevitt. Specifically, I got hooked on his Academy series, which mainly follows Priscilla Hutchins, a pilot of superluminal vessels. Similar themes and motifs run throughout McDevitt's novels, the main theme being that of first contact with an alien race or the artifacts left behind by them. McDevitt takes what I call a realistic approach to first contact: if there is anyone else out there, surely the odds are against us finding them or them finding us and even more so, the odds are almost nil that both races would be in existence at the same time given the vagaries of the universe, of the creation of life, and of evolution.

McDevitt excels at raising all the big questions one expects in any good science fiction story, and not unlike Dostoevsky, offers multiple views of every philosophical question raised by the narrative. The philosophy also never detracts from the overall sense of adventure in his stories: the universe is an enormous, wonderful, incomprehensible, and oft-terrifying place.

Thanks to wikipedia, I came across this little tidbit on McDevitt. Apparently, he wrote a short story that was well-received while attending LaSalle University. I don't know if at the time McDevitt wanted to write for a living or not, but certainly it must have been a possibility in his mind. Then, however, he read David Copperfield, and Charles Dickens's prose so intimidated him that he gave up his own writing. Some twenty-five years later, his wife encouraged him to try fiction again, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Of the ones I've read, my favorite McDevitt novel is Omega, which I believe works as a stand-alone even though it's technically the middle story in a series.

An Icon of Suspense Writers

2009-04-16T19:11:00.006-04:00

Before Tom Clancy, before Ken Follett, before any of the other suspense writers you may have heard of, there was the one and only Frederick Forsyth.

Forsyth, a former journalist, started writing suspense novels in the late sixties. In Wellesean fashion, his first major publication, The Day of the Jackal is considered to be his best novel. Many, in fact, consider it to be the quintessential suspense thriller. TDOTJ follows two men, the first an assassin hired to murder the then French President Charles De Gaulle, the other a detective charged with tracking the Jackal down. It's easily one of the best books I've ever read and manages to succeed as a thriller despite the fact that the outcome of the story is never in doubt: in real life, De Gaulle was never assassinated.

It still amazes me that Forsyth was able to create so much tension in a story that could end only one way. If I ever figure out how he did it, I'll be in danger of becoming a very rich man.

Over the years, Forsyth has treated us with many other great suspense novels, and he is lauded primarily for his realism and meticulous attention to detail. To Forsyth's credit (?), there existed for several years a scheme for acquiring a false identity and UK passport called the "Day of the Jackal fraud" because of a loophole in British security that Forsyth identified and exploited for use in his novel.

One of my other favorite books of his is The Fourth Protocol, published in 1984 and later made into a decent movie starring Michael Caine and Pierce Brosnan. I still remember the experience of reading TFP, more so than most other books. I was no more than thirteen years old, and over the course of three or four days, I literally took it with me everywhere I went. I even remember reading it at the dinner table.

If you want to learn how to plot, I'd recommend picking up one of Forsyth's books. Be forewarned, though. He is such a master that you'll need to read it twice to be able to dissect it properly for study. During the first reading, you'll be too swept up in the plot to step back objectively and analyze it.

Movies I Want To See This Summer

2009-04-14T10:19:00.004-04:00

It's now the middle of April, which means the season of the blockbuster is upon us. In no particular order, here are some of the movies I want to see this summer...

1. Star Trek. I've already posted here and here about this movie, so I won't say any more now.

2. Terminator Salvation, because I have to see if Bale's performance is good enough to justify the ridiculous on-set rant. Okay, nothing could ever justify something like that, but still, Bale's capable of being a great actor (The Machinist, anyone?) and it's a Terminator movie.

3. Funny People, which stars Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen, and Eric Bana. Sandler has been very good in his more serious roles, like in Punch Drunk Love and Reign Over Me. Based on the preview, it looks like this one will have decent drama and lots of laughs, but without descending into some of the more silly humor.

4. Whatever Works. If you haven't heard of this movie, here's all you need to know: Woody Allen directs Larry David.

5. X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

6. The Taking of Pelham 123. Call this one morbid curiosity. I absolutely love the original with Walter Matthau and Robert Shaw, and I want to see if Tony "I have to stylize every single shot in a movie" Scott pulls off a decent remake. I was skeptical, and still am, of this being a good film, but the trailer has got me wondering.

7. Public Enemies. A film about John Dillinger, Pretty Boy Floyd, and J. Edgar Hoover, directed by Michael Mann. Need I say more?

Adrian McKinty’s Dead Trilogy

2009-04-13T13:30:00.002-04:00

This is a repost in honor of the upcoming April 27th release of Adrian McKinty's kick-ass thriller: Fifty Grand.
_____

You need to buy these books:

Dead I Well May Be
The Dead Yard
The Bloomsday Dead

Yes, I’m serious. You need to go out and buy these books.

Adrian McKinty is a great writer and a great storyteller. With most fiction, you’re lucky if you get one or the other. If you want to marvel at lyricism, clever turns of phrase, and complex, murky characters, you read the literary. If you want to escape and go on a thrill ride, you read the commercial. But you need not pick and choose with McKinty. You can have your cake and eat it too.

McKinty’s stories have been described as literary action thrillers. As accurate as that may be, the description doesn’t do his novels, or his prose, justice. Simply put, the guy knows his way around the keyboard. His approach to storytelling is quasi-conversational. You feel like you’re sitting down to a pint with him at the bar as he unveils the latest in a long-line of misadventures. But at the same time, his stories abound with moments of sheer literary brilliance that no amount of alcohol could produce.

McKinty, I suspect, is a guy who’s lived quite an interesting life, and his writing is all the more informed and hard-hitting because of it. No ivory towers for this author.

I’ve just finished his Dead Trilogy, three stories chronicling the life and times of his wonderfully-flawed, but cool-as-hell, protagonist Michael Forsythe. I’m tempted to call the character an author surrogate, but that would be presumptuous on my part. Forsythe is complicated, brooding, at times frightening, usually one step ahead of a bullet, exceptionally violent, but always likeable. I can’t decide if he merits a classification of hero or anti-hero. But that’s what makes him so damned great.

The three stories are ostensibly action thrillers, but unlike most other commercial writers, McKinty never falls into the typical trappings of the genre. Dead I Well May Be and its two sequels (The Dead Yard and The Bloomsday Dead) are not repackaged variations of each other. Thankfully, Forsythe isn’t charged with tracking a different serial killer each outing. He’s not approached by a gorgeous blonde and asked to investigate the disappearance of her husband/boyfriend/brother at the beginning of every story. He’s given different task in each tale and the unique challenges he faces serve to round out his character. Don’t get me wrong though: all three books are replete with carnage, mayhem (in the literal legal sense), double-crosses, twists, love, sex, and violence.

McKinty’s prose fires on all cylinders. And he pulls no punches when it comes to plotting. There is violence in his world, and more violence, and more violence, but it always serves the story. Along those lines, McKinty takes a lot of narrative risks, especially in The Dead Yard, but they all pay off. He allows the story to go where it has to.

Each Dead Trilogy novel contemplates its own issues, speaks its own voice, and has its own narrative drive. By the end, you’ve gone on quite a journey with Michael Forsythe, from upstart mobster, to mole, to detective of sorts, as McKinty unleashes his prose on us. I can’t recommend these novels enough.

Now seriously, go buy these books. Or you're in for a Belfast six-pack.

Join Rita Vetere's Monthly Chat!

2009-04-10T15:50:00.004-04:00

My good friend, Rita Vetere, is hosting her monthly chat on Monday, April 13th at 8:00 PM EST. Stop by if you get a chance.

This month, fellow Lyrical Press authors Grayson Reyes-Cole and Barton Paul Levenson will be Rita's featured guests.

Please check out Rita's website, as she has information about her UPCOMING BOOK SIGNINGS too! If you're in the Toronto or Woodbridge areas, you might just get a chance to meet the author herself soon!

Your Civic Duty: Get Wolverine To Come To Philly

2009-04-09T07:09:00.003-04:00

The studio that produced X-Men Origins: Wolverine is running a cool promotional: it is allowing fans to vote for which city they want the film to premiere in.

Go to this link to vote.

As it turns out, Philly is one of the cities on the list of possibles. (hint, hint)

_____

If I'm conspicuously absent from the blogosphere over the next few days, I apologize in advance--the Masters Tournament starts today and I'll be glued to the TV over the next four days.

Drive For Show, Take Lessons For Dough

2009-04-07T15:25:00.006-04:00

Amateur golfers everywhere, heed my advice. Do NOT spend hundreds of dollars on a new driver for that extra ten or fifteen yards you'll get off the tee. Chances are you'll only see those extra yards for a very short while. This is all related to the First Use Rule: the first time you try any new golf clubs, you will see dramatic improvements instantly. But these new-found skills will quickly fade away and you'll go back to hitting the ball like you always did. This is all probably distantly related to the Placebo effect.

For the love of god, you don't need a new driver every season. Trust me on this. Instead, take the four or five hundred dollars you were going to spend and put it toward a series of lessons. A set of decent lessons will cost you half that money. You can use the remaining money to pay for balls at the driving range instead, since you'll want to practice what you've learned in your lessons. Or, if you absolutely must have a new club, take that remaining money, get creative, and find that driver you're looking for used at a golf store or online.

Too many people spend all their money on equipment, which most of the time doesn't have any lasting impact on their golf games. Sure, if you're playing with a brassie, a new driver will help your game a lot. What I'm talking about here are the guys who, every March, are stopping in the pro shop to test out new drivers.

There are also golfers who spend hours and hours at the driving range, honestly looking to improve their games, but who for various reasons refuse to take lessons. All they usually end up doing is ingraining bad habits and bad moves into their swings; in effect all their practice is making them worse!

Take lessons. I understand the desire to "do it yourself," to be able proudly boast you're "self-taught." There are professional golfers who are self-taught, but I seriously doubt they never traded tips and advice with their buddies while on-course or at the range.

Ben Hogan was renowned for how much practice he put in and figuring out the golf swing on his own. But at various crisis points in his career, he received some good advice from his fellow touring pros that helped him out in the long run. And I'll bet most of us don't have the time Ben did to spend eight hours a day at the range.

And if you still think you can figure it out on your own, consider this: Tiger Woods takes lessons. He's taken lessons ALL HIS LIFE. If Tiger doesn't feel he's "better than taking a lesson," then you shouldn't feel you are either.

Masters Week Is Upon Us

2009-04-05T07:52:00.005-04:00

It's Masters Week, the season's first major tournament and my personal favorite. As with all sporting events, there's an unwritten law that we must try to predict the outcome.

Tiger is the favorite, naturally. He has to be.

As for Phil Mickelson, he was driving the ball better than he ever has before this year, that is until this week's Shell Houston Open where he missed the cut by a long shot. Still though, Lefty always has a shot at winning any time he tees it up. If he gets his driver working again, watch out.

I'd love to see Ernie Els finally win a green jacket. He's been my favorite player ever since David Duval dropped off the radar. The Big Easy has the best golf swing in the game right now, and he gives Sam Snead a run for the best golf swing ever. But he just hasn't played well the last few years, owing to injury and family issues.

Last but not least, you have to like Padraig Harrington's chances. He hasn't played extremely well yet this year, but he did win the last two majors played. Paddy has a chance to become the third player, after Tiger and Ben Hogan, to win three straight major championships. I'd love to see him do it.

Here's some trivia for you: who scored the first of two double eagles at the Masters?

The Most Difficult Super Mario Brothers Level Ever

2009-04-03T00:01:00.003-04:00

As a follow-up to yesterday's post on the greatest video game ever, I thought I'd put this link to a great YouTube video up. The title of the post says it all. Someone with way too much time on their hands designed what has become known as the most difficult Super Mario Brothers Level ever. Someone else with too much time on his hands sat down to play it.

And people like us, with apparently too much time on their hands as well, have sat down to watch the guy play the board.

Warning: The guy playing the game narrates his misadventures and tends to curse. A lot. Understandably, if you ask me, as his frustration mounts with each successive death. My recommendation is to watch a couple of minutes of the video. You don't need to see the whole thing to get the gist, and you won't get tired of hearing some guy overuse the f word. And don't watch it at work. Hope you enjoy.

The Greatest Video Game Ever Made

2009-04-02T08:26:00.006-04:00

Sorry, Mario. You may be the most instantly recognizable video game character of all-time, and you've been the star in many great games. But none of them were The Legend of Zelda.

The Legend of Zelda was released by Nintendo in America in 1987, and it was every young boy's dreams realized. I was too young at the time and didn't know much about the history of video games to fully appreciate the genius that is Zelda, but looking back now, I see it for the incredibly well-designed game it is. And that's not just nostalgia talking.

For starters, as the wikipedia article puts it, its "gameplay defied categorization." Zelda contained elements of action, adventure, and puzzle-solving. As opposed to being a side-scroller, the screen follows our hero, Link, from a bird's eye view. He has various weapons, faces enemies of varying difficulty, and explores both the overworld and underworld. The land of Hyrule, where the action takes place, is truly a world fully-realized, or at least, as realized as an 8-bit system with limited memory allows.

But ultimately, what Zelda boils down to is this: a boy and his sword, a damsel in distress, magic and sorcery, and the hero's journey. Sure, all this was done to death before the game's release and it's been done to death since, but rarely has it worked better than in Zelda.